Finally

Well, I haven't been here in almost a WHOLE month. I'm not sure what to write. I've been doing okay. Yesterday and today have been MUCH better than Wednesday! Wednesday I have to say, I was scared. I didn't feel like hurting myself, but did think about how much better it would be to be in Heaven with Abba, rather than on this earth. The verse about living is sharing Christ and to die would be gain. I think about that often. Yes it would be great to be with Christ, but I would not have fulfilled His will if I ended my life early. I'm alive for a reason. God has people lined up for me to share Him with, that encourages me. As emotional and irrational as I can be, I can see part of MY purpose. That feeling is relieving.

Wednesday. Wow! Amazing I made it. It all started in the morning in therapy. I cried almost the whole time. I have a lot of hurt, and my therapist saw that. I later saw two other therapists, both of which I had to contract for safety because they were so worried about me. I have to be honest, I was scared and perhaps the hospital would have been appropriate. Helpful, however? Doubtful. Been down that road and it lead to no improvement. I believe Wednesday and earlier in the week was hard because I was out of my mood stabilizer. Wednesday I went and got an emergency supply because I knew if I went to bed Wednesday without taking it, I was VERY afraid to think of how and what I would have awoke to feeling. Now that it's Friday, I feel like I'm seeing more clearly. I'm definitely not as emotional or depressed.

Right now I'm focused on studying for boards in less than a month, which scares me! However, I'm making sure I'm getting God time. I missed Bible study yesterday, but finished "Crazy Love" earlier this week. Now I'm reading "Battling Unbelief". I'm only on chapter one, so I can't give much input. As far as "Crazy Love"...it was AMAZING!!! From the first to the last page I continued to be even more encouraged by reading in writing how much God loves me. It helped me take the focus off what others think of me and trying to attain their love, and focus on God. God is all that matters, so others' love for me has no value.

Wow! I need to get back on track with this blog. My prayer is that I'm able to post it publicly without judgment. Unfortunately I think that day is a ways in the future. For now, whoever reads it will hopefully be encouraged, or even come to understand depression and bi-polar better. Thank you to those that keep up with this blog. Please leave me a message and input!