I Did It...

Today I took the increase of Prozac...prayed before I did it, praying now. Sometimes I wish God would write on my forehead! Anyway, thanking Jesus for an AMAZING day! Could have turned SUPER ugly, but I didn't let it. I was jealous of a friend, haven't heard from the pastor that holds part of my near future in his hands, and struggling with finances, yet I'm consumed with peace. Bummed to have to run, but it's been a long week. I'm struggling because I am trying SO hard to remain anonymous, but at the same time I want to share the trials AND small victories with those I know and care about. Night for now! Thanks for following :)

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

Today marks the day that I am to increase my Prozac to 20mg. I opted not to this morning. I haven't decided what I'm going to do tomorrow. However, as I swallowed the pill this morning, I prayed that God use them, and if I don't need them, to make it known to me. That is a small step to my goal of ultimate trust in God. Last night I realized that today I would be working and running errands, and how many hours I really work. It doesn't feel like a lot, but when I try to plan things, there isn't any time. Well, I'm taking the step to say "no" to something and am going to start playing soccer again! I have a hard time accepting that I NEED to make time for myself, but it's worth a try. So, in a nutshell, I feel like Dory from "Finding Nemo"- "just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
In Him,
WheresGod

Amazing Grace is what saves

God, thank you for your renewing mercies, EVERYDAY!!!

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
(Lamentations 3:21-26)

I am in such awe of the beauty you have CHOSEN to give me, my own worthless life, that you gave a divine purpose to. Thank you!!!

Now I ponder...do I continue to take the medication? Or trust God and go off? Hard to say because I haven't been on it long enough for it to show huge effects, and God CAN change my heart quickly. I'm staying on it. It's not hurting me, and before taking them each morning, I will ask that God use them to help heal my mind, and make it known to me when I don't need them.

I know that I only have two followers, but I pray that one day I'm able to share it with many more. Please feel free to pass it on. Thank you!

Blessings,
A Changed Heart

Sometimes the right things doesn't always seem right...

Well, today I told two pastors of the church that I had been cutting. The one has say as to whether or not I continue to serve in the specific ministry. I'm pretty sure telling him was the right thing, but I may not be able to work with students. I pray that he has a heart of grace and gives me a second chance, despite the fact that I don't deserve it.

Something about my faith is coming back...finally!!! I pray for strength and guidance!

Give in and give up?

Right now I'm feeling like CRAP!!! I'm feeling so lonely! I have NO ONE at church to talk to about my struggles, and I think that's just wrong! I've tried reaching out, no one is open to helping. There is one exception, she does try to help me. She brings me back to reality, and helps me see the big picture, rather than the small emotional one I see, so thank you (you know who you are).

I'm wanting SO badly to go to the drug store to buy some blades, but for now I'm going to rest until I have to babysit. I've gotta run!

Hating me

Yes, I hate myself. Often I'm asked, "but why?" Well, look at me!!! I'm fifty pounds overweight, feel like crap, and am pretty useless right now. I should be helping a friend right now, but instead, I'm sitting on the computer, feeling crappy about what I've let myself become.

On the bright side, once the drugs wore off this evening, I spent it with some friends for dinner and some board games.

Wow! How quickly God turns the tables! I'm trying to help my friend who is hopeless and depressed, and somehow I have the words to help, I pray.

Well, another day :)

Today, was quite successful. Felt like a HUGE failure after clinicals, but that's ok! Waiting and praying that the Prozac kicks in, and QUICKLY!!!! No cutting, not even a temptation- thank you Jesus!!! Overdosing, not today :) I took 6 mg of klonopin total today. One dose was closer than supposed, but, not too many. Now, I have a doctor's appointment to HOPEFULLY get a diagnosis for this physical stomach pain! It's sounding more like endometriosis. Fun. I would be COMPLETELY OK with that. I just want an answer to something!!! Headed to bed! Thank you for the few followers I have :) God Bless!!!

Day One

Today was the first day in over a year back on Prozac. It's going to be a long road, but I'm ready. I have not cut either. I went to three stores for things, found blades, even put them in my hands, then put them down. HUGE for me. That's all there is for today. The benzos are FABULOUS!!!! Good night!

The Title

Some may wonder, "where did the title Does Anyone See Her? come from. Well, it's from a song that Casting Crowns started playing years ago. The words go on and on in my mind. I often wonder if anyone in church sees that I'm going down hill, and fast.

A victory, I guess, I threw away the blade I have been cutting myself with. I still overmedicated though. I'm not happy about it, but I'm going back onto Prozac. It changed my life years ago, I'm praying it does again. My psychiatrist wanted to put me on a mood stabilizer also, but I denied, much to his dismay. If i start to have manic episodes, I will consider it, but for now, the least medication possible is best in my opinion. I am relieved and discouraged I have to turn back to medications, but the suicidal ideations were getting too strong, to the point that I wasn't telling people anything close to what I was really feeling.

Today was a better day. I'm hoping to get myself back into shape and spend time in God's Word, which is where all the healing lies. I'm praying for that accountability, and have been for over three years. Guess I should sign off for now. I'm trying not to bore anyone, but I only have one follower, so I guess I can't bore too many :)

God bless!

Where to begin...

I have been a Christian for over ten years now. When I hit my twenties, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, and Bipolar. For over five years I sought medication treatments that seemed to somewhat help. While treating some symptoms with medication, I also sought therapeutic treatment. It was all Hell! I learned a lot from therapy, and was very stable. About a year ago, I went off medications, and stopped therapy. Now, I'm back to raging emotions. I am all over the place. I can be doing SUPER well emotionally, then get a text, call, or email and go right to self-injury thoughts. The calls and texts are bad, but somehow send me over the edge, almost. Since Christmas eve, I have been cutting myself several times, and overdosed almost every night the past several weeks.

Contrary to what most might think, I DON'T want to die!!! In fact, I can't wait for the future. At the same time, the future scares me. I compare myself to others my age, who are married, graduated, working, and living on their own. Not me. Here I am, living at home, still in school.

I need to say to fellow Christians, I CAN'T "snap out of it"!!!! It doesn't work that way. No, I'm not depressed, just lonely and discouraged! I'm praying someone relate through this blog. For now, I'm going to bed and praying for strength, and for others that may hurt too.