WHAT NOW???

I'm now under contract with my therapist that I will not cut, after cutting several times the last couple weeks. I'm apathetic as far as my spiritual life. I don't even know where to begin to fix that. I want to overdose right now, but can't. I'm left to complaining here. Where do I go from here? I guess up...

Oh My Word!!!!

Wow! Flippin rapid cycling bipolar is in full swing! I'm literally depressed and somewhat manic at the same time! I know it's difficult to understand, but it's possible, just look at me! I feel hyper, yet I'm drugged with vicodin and flexeril for my shoulder. I accomplished nothing today because I spent most of it in bed. I'm SO ready for surgery!

I think I'll take my night meds early so I can get jump on studying on time tomorrow. Actually, I'm going to take my mood stabilizer NOW. I need to settle down. I can't. I feel like I could type forever. I know that would only bore you. So, I'm signing off. Night.

Okay, Done.

Okay, I'm really done! Why do I try and get well when I just fall back down. The last post about that friend telling me on two different occasions that she would call, still hasn't. Those calls should have been Tuesday and Wednesday. I left her a message making sure she was okay, since she was far away and on an airplane. She text me tonight, "I'm okay, just beat. I'm on call all weekend. When does it end? Gnt." Really?! That's it?! To me, that is a bullshit excuse too. I responded that it would end now. I'm so frustrated with myself that I let myself get so disappointed!!!! I'm so stupid!

I'm done living. I'm getting nowhere, as far school, life, career, or relationships. I'm praying right now that God would just take me, even if it's a miserable death and I don't go to Heaven! I just don't give a damn anymore. I want to take tons of meds and drive my car into a tree. I don't want to be saved. I'm DONE!!!

Now, if only God would answer my prayer...

Done!!!

I'm SO done with people telling me they'll call at a specific time, and fail to actually make that call. It pisses me off! Happened this week TWICE with the same person! The other thing I'm tired of is the excuse, "I'm too busy to talk/hangout/text." Quit telling bullshit lies like that and tell me you don't want to hang out. I can handle that. I'm a big girl now. Errrr!!!!! Sorry, perhaps more to come, but these things I HAD to get off chest, if you will.

Finally

Well, I haven't been here in almost a WHOLE month. I'm not sure what to write. I've been doing okay. Yesterday and today have been MUCH better than Wednesday! Wednesday I have to say, I was scared. I didn't feel like hurting myself, but did think about how much better it would be to be in Heaven with Abba, rather than on this earth. The verse about living is sharing Christ and to die would be gain. I think about that often. Yes it would be great to be with Christ, but I would not have fulfilled His will if I ended my life early. I'm alive for a reason. God has people lined up for me to share Him with, that encourages me. As emotional and irrational as I can be, I can see part of MY purpose. That feeling is relieving.

Wednesday. Wow! Amazing I made it. It all started in the morning in therapy. I cried almost the whole time. I have a lot of hurt, and my therapist saw that. I later saw two other therapists, both of which I had to contract for safety because they were so worried about me. I have to be honest, I was scared and perhaps the hospital would have been appropriate. Helpful, however? Doubtful. Been down that road and it lead to no improvement. I believe Wednesday and earlier in the week was hard because I was out of my mood stabilizer. Wednesday I went and got an emergency supply because I knew if I went to bed Wednesday without taking it, I was VERY afraid to think of how and what I would have awoke to feeling. Now that it's Friday, I feel like I'm seeing more clearly. I'm definitely not as emotional or depressed.

Right now I'm focused on studying for boards in less than a month, which scares me! However, I'm making sure I'm getting God time. I missed Bible study yesterday, but finished "Crazy Love" earlier this week. Now I'm reading "Battling Unbelief". I'm only on chapter one, so I can't give much input. As far as "Crazy Love"...it was AMAZING!!! From the first to the last page I continued to be even more encouraged by reading in writing how much God loves me. It helped me take the focus off what others think of me and trying to attain their love, and focus on God. God is all that matters, so others' love for me has no value.

Wow! I need to get back on track with this blog. My prayer is that I'm able to post it publicly without judgment. Unfortunately I think that day is a ways in the future. For now, whoever reads it will hopefully be encouraged, or even come to understand depression and bi-polar better. Thank you to those that keep up with this blog. Please leave me a message and input!

Boy oh Boy!!!!

What a day! I am so glad I wasn't around anyone today, because it would have been nothing but a punishment for the other person. I don't really hate myself. I just don't care about myself. I took some of my anxiety medicine, as prescribed. I tried to not eat today. I failed. Since I couldn't meet that goal, I decided I had to release that anger and guilt and cut myself. I cut a lot, but I am not satisfied because it did not bleed much. Although, the couple drops I saw made me feel a little better. I still have the urge to cut deeper, but I'm going to chat on facebook instead.

This Will Be A Long One

My therapist ended up calling me and I couldn't talk, so all that was accomplished was for me left to agree to contract for safety until I call her tomorrow. Pisses me off!! I was waiting to be off the contract so that I could cut. I superficially scratched my wrists- pointless. I have taken 1.25 mg of my anxiety medicine. All I can think about it cutting, overdosing, and food.

I'm determined to be in control of my food intake!!! No one can take that from me. Today I had a bowl of raisin bran this morning, coffee later, and I think water the rest of the night. I'm sure I ate something else... nope. I may have something tonight, but I'm going to try not to. Say no to food!!!