I'm Baaaack

My day has been wonderful! I text a friend I miss greatly and he answered back. He said he thought about calling me this week. He's the previous youth ministry leader. I informed him of the last few months and that I stepped down out of the youth ministry. I told him I never heard back from the current youth leader. My friend apologized and asked if I was seeking help. I told him I haven't overdosed or cut in awhile, but some people know.

Oddly enough, the temptation to cut flashed in my mind. I pushed it out, but not as quickly as I should have. I briefly thought about the rush and relief it gives me. I can't go back to that!

Why, God? Why?

Why do I have so much self-hatred? Why am I so self-critical? I wish I knew because it sure makes me miserable a lot. I was able to do nothing right yesterday, in my mind, when in reality I was doing just fine. I seek others' approval FAR too hard, and it just frustrates me! I need to stop, but just don't for some reason.

My friend is very suicidal right now. I'm feeling good, so I don't mind helping. However, she's playing games, and I'm not willing to be manipulated. I'll take her to the hospital or call the police, but games I won't play.

Too tired to most more. My apologies.

Not Sure...

I'm not sure what to think of all I'm feeling. I'm literally feeling the bipolar! I feel like I'm teetering on the fence. Do I fall down on the side of not feeling physically present and start cutting again, or step down and genuinely follow Christ... I've been doing really well the past few days, but tonight I had a VERY BRIEF thought of cutting. Thankfully, I pushed it out and it didn't come back.

Last night I made a new friend :) I know, not a big deal, but for me it is. Later in the night my friend text me with a personal concern. She sounded very worried and insisted I be the ONLY one for her to confide in. I have prayed with this friend and she knows where I stand as far as values. She found a lump on her vagina. She had unprotected sex last week, and a few weeks ago, and should have started her period a week and a half ago. I insisted she call and get into planned parenthood. She did. She asked that I please go with her. Of course I went with her. I reassured her the best I could. She came out from the visit very relieved. She was not pregnant, had no signs of STDs, and got birth control. I stressed to her the BEST solution would be abstinence. I told her that if she wanted to stop having sex with guys to find her value, I would gladly help. I left it at that. She knows, and can, come to me with anything. I pray that God just works in her heart and uses me to the greatest ability.

With that, I really noticed that people seem to find it easy to talk to and trust me. I am humbled by the integrity God has helped me to gain others' trust.

I haven't blogged the last few days because I was in the ER with a HORRIBLE migraine! I sat there for three hours, waiting for a shot and the outcome, which took only half an hour. I felt much better! I ended up sleeping yesterday away. I must have needed the rest. With that, I'm going to go to bed.

Goodnight :)

Holy Cow!

What a day!!! It started early, but involved naps off and on from 0730 and 1300. I knew staying in the house all day was only going to make work later very difficult. I got up and went to get food, then drive to Gilroy to be with a friend. I then went to work and had a blast!!! It was so fun!!! I'm finding that I'm loving work more the past few weeks! Why? I'm not sure.

Starting late afternoon today, the friend that was contmeplating suicide yesterday was in worse mental condition today. I tried to help. I knew she took triple the normal amount of one medication and double the normal dose of two other medications. I did my research, and from what I could find, she wasn't in too much danger. She was playing games with me all night though. She asked if I was calling the police. I told her no, which I didn't. She text me to do her a favor and "call someone and and see if two people were working". I was very confused so I called her, just to get her voicemail. This was about 2330. I texted her a few more times, never heard from her. With much thought I opted to call her mom to please go check on her.

The reason I waited so long was because I know the feeling of hopelessness. My friend Sherry could have called the police several times for me a few months back, and never did. I would have been VERY upset had she called someone. She knew that, and honored it. I appreciate it greatly and have apologized and thanked her. I wish I could do more. Does getting better count? I told her when we first started talking about my bad habits, I expressed how much I HATED when people overreacted, so that's why she never called the police. She brought that up to me tonight, which made me think twice about calling on my friend. I feel it was different for me because I really did know what I was doing. The amounts of medications I took I knew the effects of ahead of time. Anyway, THANK YOU Sherry. I can only repay you by moving forward, and paying it forward.

With that, I think I can rest assured that my friend is ok, considering I haven't heard from she or her mom. Please pray for her. Please pray that God continues to give me the words and wisdom to help her when she's willing to have help.

Thank you Abba!
Blessings,
WheresGod

And This Isn't His Best!

What a day!!! I had a great day at clinicals, rushed home and changed for the memorial service for the loss of a friend's dad. It was later this evening that I did it! I made the decision to walk with Christ,actively! The memorial service was inspirational because the man that passed away led a very Godly life, and so did his family. I was amazed at how many people were there to support the family.

When I'm feeling suicidal, I often wonder if anyone that I cherish, would be sad, or relieved... I didn't think much about living "for God" much after the service. Then, I got a text from a friend that was suicidal. I randomly texted her back with a way to cope until I could call her. She said it was an "awesome" idea and how did I come up with it... I do it, but telling her, I knew it would work and God gave me the words to explain to her. She did it, and is now peacefully typing some stuff and chatting on facebook. I called her to hear what she wrote and then words literally flew from my mouth! I KNOW they were not my words, because I struggle with and often do the very things I was telling her not to. However, at the same time, I was realizing, God was doing some molding on my heart. I have a COMPLETE desire to live my life for Him!!! I CAN NOT wait to reach Heavens Gates, and hear, "well done, my good and faithful servant".

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. Phil. 1:21 It's truly my heart! I would be at peace if I were to go tonight, but am SO excited to live the life Christ has laid out for me, and to share Him with many others!!!

Humbled

I was talking to a dear friend this afternoon and she was telling me about an interview she had and I knew the interviewer. She shared with me that she told the employer how I helped lead her to Christ. Wow! I was speechless. I started thinking about it more, and realized how much of a love I had for her brokenness, to that point that I kept in touch at least 4 years, when she accepted Christ. I met her while she was a freshman, and I was a senior. I looked into her eyes, and was touched! I knew God was calling ME to pursue her. I did. She was very resistant, but I was not giving up on this sweet girl! She was stubborn, but very quiet. I invited her over and over to church events. She finally came. That's when she finally told someone a secret that I already knew about. She told me and was relieved I wasn't going to judge her or anything, but instead we sat looking at the setting sun as I prayed God's peace over her. She is now an amazing young lady in Christ. I'm going to hear her whole testimony soon, but for now, I'm humbled that God would choose me back then, and even now.

God, I pray for that passion and heat again!!! Light the fire in me!

Trust NO ONE

Last week I asked a friend of mine and my mom's, if it would be wrong to move out in a year even though my parents just redid my room. Well, that friend told my mom that she needs to quit giving me a bad time. So, I walked in the door and my mom was all defensive and asked what I'm telling people. I feel that I have lost the ability to trust that friend anymore. I'm just let down.

I was just having a conversation with two friends at lunch about how we agree that when a friend tells us something, we don't tell anyone, unless permission is given. It's an unspoken courtesy to not pass things on. Is that too high of a standard???

Again, Now What?

Feeling: crappy, bitchy, stressed, overwhelmed, ALONE
Thoughts: wish i could cut, or overdose
Desires:..... a big hug
Does any of this truly matter?? NO!!!!!!!! So why post it? I guess because it's the only place I can be TOTALLY open. I feel like crap because of the horrible being that I am!!!

Not Feelin' It

I'm not feeling much like fighting for my spiritual life. Why? The stupid reason that I am not as good as my friends. I don't feel that I fit in. I got a bad score on my exam today.

That just threw me overboard! I know better than to compare myself to them. However, I do it! My church friends not inviting me to things, I can understand, and I get that I don't "fit in" with them. My school friends are more of what's getting me down. Two of them are dating a guy and constantly talk about sex and their double dates right in front of me. I've asked that they not talk about the sex, but that didn't do anything. I just walk away when I can now. I guess all I'm doing is pissing and moaning, so I'll stop for now.

Emotionally, today has been pretty decent. I'm not stressed, and still haven't taken Valium since a couple days ago. I am drinking a mixed drink right now, but I don't tend to get out of hand with alcohol. If possible, please give input and/or questions from my last post.

The Fight Within

Today I talked with my pastor. GREAT guy! He in convinced that my bad days will become fewer and less extreme. I proceeded to argue with him because I don't think it's true, as much as I'd like it to be. I do thank him for his time and kind, encouraging words. I did feel a small weight lifted off my shoulders as I left the sanctuary. Today has been great emotionally, just at peace. I felt so special that my pastor flat out said he cares, and prays for me often. Wow! Couldn't ask for more. So to my pastor, and "Sherry", thank you for your concern and time. Thank you for collaborating to try and help me. I may post more later, but need to get ready for a midterm, and shower.

So, I call this post a fight because I truly am fighting. My flesh and spirit are at war. I want to get better and let go of my bad days, to say goodbye to self-destruction forever, but I just don't know that I can. I know it's fully up to me, and I pray God radically changes my heart. As I have been taught, and usually believe, that I am a new creation. I guess what's holding me back is my faith, or lack of. I just can't begin to comprehend WHY on earth Christ would choose me! Why me? I don't have much to offer, and live in disobedience. I pray this changes. I'm not sure I have been willing to try so hard to win this fight. I again, pray this fight is a season, that bad days will become fewer, and less extreme.

If ever you think to reply to my posts, I ask now, more than ever to please respond. I'd appreciate questions and/or responses.

Do It, Do It!!!

Do I just overdose, or drink my night away??? Tired of dealing with all the shit that happens in life! I laid in bed for a few hours this afternoon, simply because I didn't know what else to do to keep from going crazy!!!

Do I go to church tomorrow??? Or sleep in???

Taking Valium now. just 30mg for now.

OOOOO!!!!! Just went to get a drink! Forget about that alcohol crap! Too many calories! I forgot I brought Coke Zero to the house with me!!! I'm realizing more and more that I get more excited about the little things in life. I mean, really, a soda is going to keep me from overdosing or drinking alcohol? Sweet! Coffee does the same thing at times.

Well...

I never heard from my mentor this week. I didn't expect a call or visit, but thought she would at least reply to my apology. I'm surprised I'm not feeling self-destructive because of it. I'm actually doing well. It crossed my mind a couple times to overdose today, but... don't really feel like it.

How important is church??? Do I go???

Man! I kinda want to take lots of Valium right now! I don't really have to be anywhere tomorrow until 1500. I have access to TONS of alcohol right now, but really don't want it, which is different. I'm a bit surprised I don't want to drink ANY.

I think I'll continue to watch TV and chat with my dear friend. I'm enjoying this empty house with a puppy.

Blessings to you all!

Yep, Did It Again

So, I took a total of 90mg of Valium yesterday within 6 hours. My doctor told me specifically not to take more than 60mg on 24 hours. Clearly, I didn't care about that. I hated myself because my mentor told me she was really busy and can't help me. I felt SOOO guilty for even asking, that I just wanted to hurt myself. I wrote her back today to apologize. She's very understanding, so I think she'll accept my apology and we can move on. If not, I can't blame her.

Cutting is becoming more tempting. I've actually been in a few stores looking for something, and then looked for blades. I didn't see any. I didn't look too hard either though, because I knew it was wrong.

I will be attending church this Sunday, for the first time since right after Easter. I'm not sure I'll be staying at my church long term. There are some changes happening, so I'll wait to see how things go after those transitions. I'm also disappointed that two pastors at my church know that I'm struggling and have yet to even bring up with me. I've asked to talk to both, neither have accepted. If pastors and peers aren't there to help, I can't believe that God gave the church each other. I feel that if that truly were the case, I would be getting some support. I have ONE friend from church that continues to talk to me, and asks how I'm doing. I guess something catastrophic has to happen for others to notice you've been missing. I'm not much to miss though.

As far as medications, I will be taking some ASAP. I'm tired and want to sleep! Once I'm off the clock, I'm going to my house, into my room and then to my safe haven-the shower.

Uh-oh

Oh no!!! The feeling of needing to cut literally just flooded my head! Not sure what to do. I know it started because I don't have any plans today. Oh crap!!! I'm SOL if I don't get distracted! Perhaps a phone call to a friend is in order, to get my mind off myself...I HATE myself-utter DISGUST!!! I'm FAT and nearly failed my exam yesterday!!!

Well...

Yesterday I was going to post, but decided not to because all I had to say was, "fuck me!" I had HORRIBLE anxiety, and cried a few times so I was emotionally drained! Once I got home, I forced down some food, showered, and took my meds. The regular meds included 30mg of Valium in addition to the 30 mg three hours prior. No, it was not an overdose. It was the full allotted dose for one day. Today I haven't taken any and feel great. I was very productive, and am proud of myself, not to mention being happy that I got an A on my exam of three chapters yesterday! I feel as though things are looking up, but just when I do that, something happens and my world falls on my shoulders. I'll be praying things stay up for awhile though.

Food for thought: Is it wrong to attend church when you don't sense God in your life, and aren't actively pursuing Him???

No Valium

I'm happy to report I'm doing well and have not taken Valium since Friday afternoon. I know, it's only Monday. However, with the anxiety that was going on last week, that's a feat! Small, but a feat none the less. The Inderal is great! I don't want to be on it long term, unless my neurologist uses it as a prophylactic and takes me off the nortriptylene.

I am bummed that next week is my last game, but I'll be attending church regularly. Whether I stay at my current church, I'm not sure about. I will go a couple months and see how it goes. I just don't like that despite my requests, the youth pastor has yet to talk to me about the cutting and overdosing months ago. It just doesn't sit well with me.

I'm loving Monday nights! I'm not studying or doing homework. I'm watching TV and chatting on the computer. I am even going to enjoy a cherry Coke Zero and fruit snacks :) Wow! Just opened the can and took a few sips. I forgot how much I love the cherry Coke! Hope everyone enjoys their evening!

There IS A Light

Wow! My ENT is AMAZING!!!! She has been of GREAT support. I had an appointment with her Friday and she gave me a medication to slow my heart rate down, and I haven't needed Valium since :) She also gave me her personal email address and told me she's going to help all she can and being that most of my stress is from school, she wants to be my mentor. I cried when she told me that! I was speechless. I emailed a note of appreciation the other day.

It was laid on my heart this morning. There is a way for me to serve at church, since no longer serving the youth group. I am going to talk to a family in our church and work with their son with special needs one on one as he is in Sunday school.

I'm off to bed. Apologies for no more info. I'm a bit beat from a busy weekend.