Boy oh Boy!!!!

What a day! I am so glad I wasn't around anyone today, because it would have been nothing but a punishment for the other person. I don't really hate myself. I just don't care about myself. I took some of my anxiety medicine, as prescribed. I tried to not eat today. I failed. Since I couldn't meet that goal, I decided I had to release that anger and guilt and cut myself. I cut a lot, but I am not satisfied because it did not bleed much. Although, the couple drops I saw made me feel a little better. I still have the urge to cut deeper, but I'm going to chat on facebook instead.

This Will Be A Long One

My therapist ended up calling me and I couldn't talk, so all that was accomplished was for me left to agree to contract for safety until I call her tomorrow. Pisses me off!! I was waiting to be off the contract so that I could cut. I superficially scratched my wrists- pointless. I have taken 1.25 mg of my anxiety medicine. All I can think about it cutting, overdosing, and food.

I'm determined to be in control of my food intake!!! No one can take that from me. Today I had a bowl of raisin bran this morning, coffee later, and I think water the rest of the night. I'm sure I ate something else... nope. I may have something tonight, but I'm going to try not to. Say no to food!!!

Surprise

Surprisingly enough, I didn't use any medication for anxiety today. I studied four hours today, which means I suck! Waiting for two friends to return phone calls or texts. I guess to some people returning a phone call doesn't matter. To me, it's common courtesy. Guess it's the norm and I'm wrong, again. Goodnight.

Oh!!! A major plus! I've lost almost 5 pounds. Doesn't sound like a lot, but it makes me happy! It means I AM in control of SOMETHING. Now that I'm finally seeing progress, I'm gonna try even harder to not eat. Today I had pop tarts and a piece of cake. Tomorrow will include a protein shake instead, and maybe a banana.

It's Still Here!!!

The depression and anxiety WILL NOT stop!!!! I have been tear free, but certainly not without hurt. I'm still feeling alone. I met with my pastor last week, and it went great. Now, I can't find good. I'm nothing but trash. I want to slit my wrists and watch the blood flee my body as if it were my feelings and emotions. Of course, I'm NOT going to do that. I have too many wonderful friends.

Yes, Again

Yesterday I cut myself a couple times. VERY superficially though. I'm feeling really stupid for being used by my "friend". I'm not suicidal AT ALL!!! I just want to numb the pain. I have taken all my night meds, plus 110mg of Valium. I feel tired, but that's about it.

I have the best friends! Last night getting an injection for my anxiety was pointless. I'm going to sign off. I can't think of anything else to write.

What to do...

So, no impulsiveness today. Oh...except trying to purge tonight. No overdosing, though this full bottle of Valium next to me does seem tempting. Cutting sounds AMAZING! Won't do either one though, I am too lazy. I guess I'm moving back anything harmful, hence the purging. I have thrown up a couple times the last couple weeks, but not on purpose. I forgot how much better I feel what I throw up! So cleansing, and refreshing!

Not sure where to go from here. I will continue to pray for God to take me. Perhaps others could also join me in that prayer?

I'm Ready!

I'm not in the mood to overdose. Cutting, I wish I could. Praying I die tonight, YES! It is my prayer that God has used me somehow and is now ready to take me to Him.

I'm out of resources. The pastor at my church has yet to address my issue(s). Not that he has to, but I feel I've reached out and I'm just left to figure things out myself. With the exception of ONE friend, no one at church will accept my plea for help. Some I've been vague with, so I understand that. Others, know the extreme I've taken to hurt myself.

I know some are wondering why I'm not in the hospital. It's simple, I'm not going to hurt myself, or others. Yes, it sounds like it, and I WANT to hurt myself, but I'm not going to.

I'm frustrated because my days are GREAT, and my nights leave me feeling like dying. Not taking calls tonight and will try to go to bed early. I apologize for all the complaints. Please leave SOME sort of a comment. Thank you, Amanda

What The Hell?!

What the hell is going on?! Thought these roller coaster emotions would be fixed with the increase in medication. Well, I superficially cut myself. I don't want to overdose on Valium anymore, because the doctor may take it away. I was having a great day, until a friend text me, "your last text pissed me off!". my text said, "so i buy u lunch and never hear from you?" i was being TOTALLY innocent and sarcastic. She took is seriously and said she isn't going to talk to me for awhile. I honestly think EVERYONE would be better off if I was dead. I'm reaching out, really, I am. I've sent a few urgent messages to my pastor, which leads to NOTHING. I want nothing more than to die. In fact, I'm praying God takes me tonight. I don't want to go another day!

I want so badly to have support, like regular accountability, but that's NOT possible. It's just not possible for any human to be there for me as much as I'd like. I have nothing to offer this world! I need to leave. I feel that if God was real, there would be a solution by now. For now, I'm taking like second by second, literally! I'm trying not to be impulsive...

Yep, again

Again I took too much Valium. I'm doing ok though. I'm starting to get a bit tired. I'm checking often to make sure I don't need to go into the hospital.

Today I helped and walk for a walk a thon for a friend. It was to raise money for her to get the therapy and treatment she needs. I'm praying the treatments work! I know either way, it's God's plan and timing. I'm tired! It was suggested to me that I blog tonight. I really don't know what else to say.

Aside from overdosing, I'm wishing a guy friend was available to come over. I just want that company, to have an arm around my shoulder. I like this guy that is recently single, but my friend is seeing him. I went to the Garlic Festival last week and guys were checking out my friend and I didn't exist.

My huge people pleaseing problem growing more and more troublesome! I feel like I need certain people. I know deep down that God is the sole purpose, but he's not. I want worldly comfort.

What's my next step???