Oh My Word!!!!

Wow! Flippin rapid cycling bipolar is in full swing! I'm literally depressed and somewhat manic at the same time! I know it's difficult to understand, but it's possible, just look at me! I feel hyper, yet I'm drugged with vicodin and flexeril for my shoulder. I accomplished nothing today because I spent most of it in bed. I'm SO ready for surgery!

I think I'll take my night meds early so I can get jump on studying on time tomorrow. Actually, I'm going to take my mood stabilizer NOW. I need to settle down. I can't. I feel like I could type forever. I know that would only bore you. So, I'm signing off. Night.

Okay, Done.

Okay, I'm really done! Why do I try and get well when I just fall back down. The last post about that friend telling me on two different occasions that she would call, still hasn't. Those calls should have been Tuesday and Wednesday. I left her a message making sure she was okay, since she was far away and on an airplane. She text me tonight, "I'm okay, just beat. I'm on call all weekend. When does it end? Gnt." Really?! That's it?! To me, that is a bullshit excuse too. I responded that it would end now. I'm so frustrated with myself that I let myself get so disappointed!!!! I'm so stupid!

I'm done living. I'm getting nowhere, as far school, life, career, or relationships. I'm praying right now that God would just take me, even if it's a miserable death and I don't go to Heaven! I just don't give a damn anymore. I want to take tons of meds and drive my car into a tree. I don't want to be saved. I'm DONE!!!

Now, if only God would answer my prayer...