Huge Despair...

I'm thinking tonight may be a good night to look back at earlier posts. I'm SOOOO discouraged right now! I've cried, I've yelled, I've prayed and pleaded, and am now medicating. I'm in major physical pain. I can't tell anyone in person, and be totally open, due to doubt that they will believe me. As far as emotional pain...I've got that too. I'm frustrated that I'm not "better"...

What is "better"??? I guess the problem is that I picture "better" as being perfect. Am I striving for perfection? Perhaps...despite knowing I will fail. But why??? These are questions that perhaps only God can answer, which is frustrating because if loves me, why won't he answer my pleas?

Let me think...what is the root of my despair? I feel SO alone. I don't feel that anyone understand the pain inside, aside from the physical pain. I know, I should seek Christ alone, but am not finding peace. I am not excited about anything. I leave for Disneyland Friday, and would rather stay home. I'm graduating in two weeks, and don't care. I know this feeling and emotion will pass, I just need to be patient, I know. I'm so helpless! I can't help anyone and I don't think anyone can really help me.

My best friend is out playing hockey with her friends, as I sit here and take care of her kids. I don't mind, but at the same time, I'd rather not. I wish she wasn't going to be out until midnight, so that we could chat. I want her to come home just so that we can do something to get me a tiny bit out of this funk! For now, I have a 4, 6, and 13 year old to tend too. Thank goodness for Wipeout to settle them before bedtime.

I guess on a positive note, I can thankfully report that I have ZERO thoughts/urges to hurt myself in any way possible! I'm not even going to take my anxiety meds :)

NOW I See It

WOW!!!! I can really see the "bipolar" diagnosis I was given so many years ago. It sounds so negative, and admitting that I am, isn't easy. I feel flawed. I feel that I'm less of a person because I struggle so much. In reality, that's not true. I may have emotional struggles, but everyone has at least on area they struggle with, right?

I agree with my diagnosis because I literally go second to second from feeling full of peace, to being filled with NOTHING but EXTREME self-disgust! I really don't know what to do. I'm praying, that's a given for me. I took my hot shower, and I actually got out feeling no relief, as it usually does. I've been replaying parts of my day, and thinking of all the different things that I should have done differently. Ugh! I'm disgusting!!!!

I have to admit, I'm starving myself. I have been for a few days now. I wasn't doing it on purpose, I just got busy and didn't think about eating. Right now, I'm really hungry but am refusing! It's the only thing I can control, and even that I suck at.

Perhaps a good night of sleep will help...

Thank You, Jesus

I am beginning to feel a bit of my anxiety creeping in. I refuse to allow it though. I'm not taking Valium, and I'm not giving my power to the emotions. I had a great day, and a great evening. I'm going to focus on that!

My doctor, and friend, came in to give a small lecture in class today. I missed the first half of the next class, and she took me to get a tapioca drink. I'm so blessed! She is the one that took it upon herself to volunteer to be my mentor, and support me through this journey. I can only pray that I can at some point share this blog with her as a testament of Christ's love and mercy.

My evening was a true blessing. I again helped my friend Lisa with her daughter to do some OT and PT. Lisa is one strong and faithful servant! God's strength is mind- boggling! I'm so thankful that a year ago God touched my heart to reach out to Lisa and her family. Had I not been obedient, I wouldn't have the blessing that they are!

Blessings to all,
Amanda

On My Knees

Wow! I just told a dear friend, Lisa, that I so appreciate her allowing me to help her with her daughter, Jess. I thanked her for being such a great example of Christ's love. She laughed and wrote back, "want to see Christ's love... look in the mirror". In the past I would have brushed it off and quickly told myself, "she's just saying that" or another negative thought. Instead, I was instantly brought to my knees. I'm SO humbled that a friend would think that. The thought that someone sees Christ's love in me, is so amazing. I'm so thankful to be blessed with Christ's salvation, grace, mercy, and peace. I will continue to pray for Lisa and Jess.

Today I also went to my anxiety/panic class. I feel that it's a waste of time because I know how to handle the anxiety, I just choose not to at times. I, however, had a revelation last week. I think I'm in the class more to help others in the class, and if I get something out of it too, it's a bonus.

I'm off to bed. I get to see my mentor tomorrow, and CAN'T wait!!! She's so amazing! She may start reading this...I'll ask her tomorrow.

Good night!
Amanda

Yes, The Time Has Come

Hi. Let me introduce myself. I'm Amanda. I'm in my twenties and I work and go to school. I'm graduating soon, and could not be more excited! I've recently planned a mini vacation for the beginning of July. I'd rather not give any other details.

Now, the good stuff. God is so amazing! I'm seeing Him work in every aspect of my life right now. I have a peace about me. I have an overall better attitude doing things. I love it! I need to start writing these times down because as i sit here to write about it, my mind gets a bit foggy. I'm going to head to bed and pray for specifics to post tomorrow. For now, blessings.

Amanda

Alright!

Okay, today was MUCH better than yesterday. It was REALLY long, which Wednesdays generally are-seven hours of theory lecture. Second time in the last month that I genuinely could not focus anymore. I never knew it was possible to learn SO much! I got to the point though that ONE more fact was going to send me on an emotional/anxiety filled roller coaster. Thankfully, I fought off those temptations. Now, it's just a matter of studying those 2 lectures for the exam next Wednesday.

Today my friend in the hospital in LA called me. It made my day! The fact that SHE called ME is amazing! I was so happy to hear her voice. We talked about our memories from a couple years ago. Made me kind of sad that we haven't been able to make more memories since her last suicide attempt, but I look forward to July. Her sister and I will be taking her to Disneyland! I'm SUPER excited! Disneyland will be great, but just hanging out with her will be enough :)

As far as emotions go, I'm doing pretty well. I'm trying to handle one thing at a time. Today it was a migraine and my IV rate exam. Tomorrow it's clinicals and work. I've been missing people a lot though, people I haven't talked to or seen in a long time.

I guess I really didn't need to post tonight. Nothing really to report on. Although, I'm grateful for not giving into the temptation yesterday. Yes, my pastor was right, I am glad that I didn't give in.

Prayers,
A

Since Then...

Since I gave my word that I was giving up self-destructive behaviors, today was the biggest struggle. I wanted SOOO badly to go buy a sharp razor and cut myself. My anxiety was just horrible, and I was hating myself. Why? Well, I napped for a few hours this morning and feel that was a waste of time, so I hate myself for that. I bothered an instructor for help and bothered her, so I hate me for that too. I'll get to the point! I have succeeded with my commitment to Christ and haven't hurt myself in any way, not even starve myself. I'm beat! Off to bed for now, perhaps some more tomorrow.

Blessings,
A

It's Official!!!!

Last night I made up my mind! I'm giving up the cutting and overdosing. It's been awhile since I've done either one, but I'm making it know that I'm not going to give in anymore. I guess I'm posting it in hopes that it will help hold me accountable. My pastor doesn't know, but I'm sure he'll be thrilled. I've only told one person, Sherry.

Last night as I was sharing this commitment with Sherry, she asked why the change of heart. The reason I've decided to let go of those self-defeating things is that it doesn't benefit me in the long term. I'm working on the idea that really does care for and love me. I'm really caught on the fact that we are granted new mercies, EVERYDAY! I'm humbled by that. I don't deserve anything I have, yet God chooses to bless me immensely. I'm not sure what else to say. I guess tonight's post is just going to have to be short and sweet :)

Yep, More Up And Downs

So, I signed on this post starting positively. However, I was just made fun of, again. I also sent a text to an instructor to set up a meeting and she replied to please email her, which then made me feel bad that I bothered her. So, now I suck! Big time! My friend called me, "K", the one that swallowed part of a necklace a few weeks ago. She is in surgery as I type this. She asked me to get a hold of her mom and let her know. I haven't done that yet. Does that make me a horrible friend? Probably. Murphey's Law is in full swing right now.

Ok, have got to get a grip!!! I have the privilege of taking care of my friend, Jess, tonight. She is recovering from a horrific car accident a year ago. I love being with she and her mom. I just love being at their house. There really is a sense of peace that I don't get anywhere else, even church.

So today could have been bad. I know, my intro is very negative, but as I step back, it's been a good day. Actually, it's just been my attitude throughout the day. I started working 0530-0730 this morning, then came to school and studied more. I took my test, knowing I missed enough to not get an A. I decided not to stress. I then found out that I got an A. After lunch I came back to class and we had pharmacology and math problems. I was good until number 23. I got it wrong and all confused with the IV drip rate formula. I then became very discouraged. I went to my instructor after class for help. I shed a few tears, but then re-focused. I ended up understanding it a bit better. Now, I'm sitting in the most pointless class EVER. However, I love this instructor. I'll conclude tonight, after staying with my friend, Jess. I will hopefully have an update on "K" also.

Alright. I'd give the day/evening an 8 tonight. I had a great time with Jess. My friend, K, had the piece of the necklace removed through her throat. I have NO idea how on earth how in two weeks it didn't get lodged in her GI tract. Instead, the doctors found it in her lower esophagus, right by her sternum. Craziness!

In a nutshell, I had some ups and downs. My downs were not at all like they usually are. They seemed...low-grade. My ups were great. Praying for peace as I sleep and look ahead to another morning of new mercies, Lord willing.

Uncertainty

Happy-no
Sad-maybe
Hopeless-yes
SI-yes
Self-harm thoughts-DEFINITELY
Lonely-for sure!
Overwhelmed-a bit
Frustrated-kinda
Wanting it to tall end!!!!

The pain in which I feel right now is like so many of my days. I start a new class this afternoon on anxiety. I'm for sure needing Valium right now, but haven't taken any yet. I want to take about ten! I'm wishing I could talk to certain people, and yet I can't think of anything to talk about. I just feel a sense of doom...like my world is going to fall in any second. I'm in despair, leaving me hopeless and feeling alone. I'm feeling betrayed by God. Why? I guess because these days are so dark and frequent, despite the few bright days I have. What I wouldn't do for a good drug right now!

In Despair,
me

Yes...No....Maybe....

I'm considering going "public" with my blog. I've had about 1,000 readers, and can see God's work in my own life through reading it. I really want it to help someone, even ONE person. I would have to figure out how to do it without my mom finding it... I'll pray about it. For now, I'll remain anonymous.

Today was a good day. I got frustrated when my classmates came over to do our take home test. Three of us had it done, one did not. I spent THREE hours looking for all 60 correct answers. The one friend came, not having done more than five of the questions. I simply said, "This took me a long time, you really didn't do it?" So, I had a hard time just handing her the answers. She said she was tired because she worked yesterday, which is why she didn't get her test done. We have had two weeks. I did mine a week ago. She said to me, "I actually WORK, people don't just pay me to sit on a couch." This comment hit me, and hard. Yes, when I babysit I do have some time to work on school work, but to claim I do nothing but sit on a couch and get paid?! I'm hurt. I know babysitting isn't all that hard most of the time, but it is a lot of work. It's a WHOLE LOT more than sitting on a couch. Am i wrong in thinking babysitting really is work???

Today church was amazing! My pastor talked about allowing God to change us, and let go of our chains and shame. I found myself thinking about the fact that I won't commit to letting go of self-harm completely. I need to pray about that. I don't think I'll do anything again, but I thought that over a year ago too. I guess I better start praying now!

Torn

I think I would compare myself to a ratted piece of cloth right now. I've been torn in half. I'm torn between following Christ, and giving in to emotions and overdosing. I'm praying. I know God is working, I've done SO well with the recent changes and incidences this week. My attitude towards others, and my outlook are generally positive. However, there remains that little part in my head saying to cut or overdose. Man! Torn between the ways of this world, and God's way. I feel super alone to top it all off. Errrr!!!! I'll stop now before you get depressed.

Continued...

I started out the morning pretty rough. I woke somewhat late, rushed out the door, and drove to the clinic. I was so tired, I missed my exit. This would normally put me in a bad mood IMMEDIATELY! THEN, I get to clinicals to find my normal instructor (who I agreed with I would be happy for her birthday today) was not coming, and instead we had a strict instructor, that I thought for sure I would disappoint. ALL of that would usually have sent me WAY downhill. It didn't. I decided to text my friend to check on the patient I visited yesterday, she quickly responded that he passed away this morning at 0330. I was upset at first, but quickly reminded myself he is now healed and running ALS free with God. It actually brought a smile to my face. I continued on my day with his family and my friend in prayer, and had a completely different heart and attitude towards my patients and classmates, AND instructor! I got out of clinicals super early so rested up. I went to work and enjoyed it. I'm now all cozy in my bed, and thanking Jesus for the peace, joy, and mercy He gives me each day! I look forward to the day I can be with Jesus, but I also look forward to serving Him another day tomorrow, Lord willing.

Blessings!

Take Me

I sat beside a man this afternoon for about an hour. I did nothing, but stare at him, watching for any sign of life. I watched his blood pressure drop below what I have EVER seen a live person having. I watched him with a friend. The man was diagnosed with ALS over 30 years. He is truly a miracle. The prognosis was one year. Here he is over thirty years later, and all those years served God and worked to be a faithful servant is His. I was leaving him this evening, finding it more and more difficult every step further from him I got. For some reason, there was an overwhelming sense of peace in the room, just watching him. He is currently status: full code, on 100% oxygen on his trach through a ventilator. He is truly on his way to heaven. I found myself feeling jealous, that he is going to be with Jesus soon, and my day could be far away. By him being "full code", that means they will shock him and do EVERYTHING possible to keep him alive. I believe that the Lord is ready for him. He is waiting for the family to accept it. Please pray for them.

I found myself regretting every cut and pill swallowed. Now, that I'm away from Coach's bedside, I feel I could overdose, but remind myself of the impact I could have on others' lives. Oddly enough, I was planning on leaving school and overdosing, when my instructor invited me to go visit Coach with her. How is that not God???

What I've LeaRNed

Thank you, Lord, for those that have answered your calling and are nurses!