Up We Go AGAIN!

Yep, I'm on the emotional rollercoaster again this week. Today my psychiatrist increased my Valium from 20mg twice a day to 30mg twice a day. If that doesn't solve the problem, I begin trial and error with previous meds that stopped working, but could start to work again. Anxiety today was pretty bad, but not as bad as yesterday. Tomorrow will be good, I'm convinced! I get to see my favorite doctor just to chat. She's my ENT, but wants to help me.

I was explaining to a friend that my anxiety doesn't start from dwelling thoughts, but rather physical symptoms and that people don't understand that. She asked why I even try to talk to people then. I felt like crap after that, but instead talked myself through it quite well. I try to talk because the physical symptoms are coming from somewhere and sometimes just talking to someone brings concerns up, which allow me to help work through those thoughts. Anyway,I'm going to bed. I apologize for the boredom.

Another Rollercoaster

WOW!!!! The last few days have SUCKED!!!! The thoughts and feelings are literally overwhelming. Yesterday I had MORE than one panic attack! They are AWFUL! Today, another one! I'm COMPLETELY fed up with these feelings of impending doom! Thinking about death or self harm...not really. However, I'm back on Valium and it's my best friend!!! I'm sitting here in a room full of chatter and feel as if I'm crawling out of my skin!! Someone help!!!! Wait, no one can help! Can God help??? I'm not even sure at this point. I'm praying for sure! Took 20 mg of Valium at lunch, and felt great for a breif amount of time. Now, however, I feel the panic beginning to rage! I just want to break into tears on someone's shoulder, there's no shoulder to cry on! Now I sound like I'm loathing so I'll shut up.

Short and Sweet

I'm beyond blessed for the provisions God has given me. Why He has chosen ME, I may never know, but am eternally grateful! I love my life and everything in it!

Thank You, Sherry

Well, I wasn't going to blog, mostly because I'm so frustrated at the lack of comments, and prayer requests. I enjoy praying for others, and thought I would get some requests.

Anyway, thanks to Sherry, I'm blogging. Today I was humbled when a friend asked how I knew so much about the medical field :) I knew I know more than many, but I guess I know more than I thought.

Another thing happened today that made me realize, I am making progress! A friend's sister posted a general comment on her wall on Facebook, and I instinctively took it personally. I read a bit more and realized, it wasn't aimed at me. I need to stop being so self-critical!

That's all I have for now. Please feel free to leave a comment that you were here, or a prayer request/praise. Thank you!

Finally!

I was finally able to make it to church this morning. I almost feel convicted for missing it so much, but feel I have the right to play soccer. I also feel that I need to start making a bigger effort to get to any church before games.

I can't even tell you the last time I had Valium. I guess I could look back at my previous posts, but I'm satisfied knowing it has been awhile. Thank you to those that have prayed for my racing thoughts. I haven't had any episodes today.

Again, keeping it short to avoid over complaining and whining.

FRUSTRATION!!!!

I'm beyond frustrated right now! Certain people are being... rude. Today and tonight were GREAT, but there were some things that people did that bothered me. I took it upon myself though to just accept it as it is, and assume I'm just being irritable.

Tonight was great caring and education some people. I love my life! I love that I'm so blessed to have some amazing friends, family, and opportunities! Gotta keep it short for now, I have a very busy few days ahead of me!

I am struggling with racing thoughts, the manic symptoms of being bipolar. It's scary, and awful! I am doing my best to trust that God will heal that, but it's scary nonetheless.

Only God Knows

Well, I wasn't going to post tonight because I'm not sure I have the words to describe my thoughts, but I have been encouraged to try (thank you "Sherry").

So I got out of school early and came home and took a NON-MEDICATED 3 hour power nap! I have eaten very healthy today. Just messed up when I had the four alcoholic drinks with dinner a couple hours ago. To some that sounds like A LOT, but for me, I honestly don't feel any different at all. They were weak drinks I guess.

Anyway, it occurred to me tonight as I was sitting with a group of people, knowing only one person, that I was really relaxed, confident, and talkative. I would say I actually saw good in me, especially when I got my wallet out and was asked if I was a Christian. I look back now, and I loved myself. WHOA!!!! That's huge! I didn't think I would ever be able to love myself, yet it's happening. Another big step, I think I'm ready and want to start dating. I am finding myself attracted to certain guys, and picture a possible date with them. Is that creepy? I didn't get his phone number, and he's not a Christian, so I know not to even pursue that. However, I am interested in meeting some Christian men, a bit older than me. For so long I've pictured myself as a single missionary, but maybe God has a partner in store for those missions....

Another Good Day

Today was LONG!!! But, it was WONDERFUL! School was 8-4, then I had to run errands. I was a bit stressed, but had a blast this evening. The thought of any self-harm hasn't even crossed my mind! Until now of course ;) I am pretty beat. I shouldn't be though.

Something different...Today I got my game schedule for this coming Sunday. I was elated to see that I'll be able to go to church! I was surprised that I was so happy about it, but I'll take it!

Tonight I'm gonna have to leave it shorter than last night. My brain cells are tired from 8 hours of lecture. Good night.

Now What?

Ok. So overdosing and cutting don't sound at all rational. The temptation is GONE! Praise Jesus!!! I'm a bit worried about the racing thoughts, but hoping the Geodon will soon fix that. I would hate to increase the dose because it would only make me more tired, which I can't imagine.

Praying for all!!!

D-O-N-E!!!!!!!!

Alright, just remembered to throw away my blade. It's in the trash can as I'm typing this. I find it oddly freeing.

However, I find myself sitting here frustrated. I'm gonna let it go. Breathe in...breathe out. Okay. I'm good. No Valium today, and clearly no cutting. That's it for now. I gotta get some rest!

A Leap To Success

Wow! What a weekend! And a GREAT one!!!! I got SO much accomplished! I haven't overdosed, or even taken Valium since Wednesday. Felt I could have used it on Thursday and Friday, but I didn't take any. I focused on prayer and breathing.

A HUGE step for me, I'm throwing away my blade tomorrow!!!! I would do it now but it's raining and I'm in bed. Please, don't mistake that as an excuse, as much as it sounds like one. I really am getting rid of it! I don't need it in my life. I can't remember the last time I cut, or even wanted to. It's been a few weeks since I've even thought about it!!!!

I find all this odd. I had a terrible week as far as relationships. I just feel I'm being bullied. I don't feel it's such a big deal now. Ultimately, the friends that truly care, will stick by me no matter what :) Even better, God never makes fun of me, except when I make plans :)

"Haters keep on hating"

That line is from a song I've never heard, but my friend sings all the time. I feel this is true for me. I feel TONS of people hate me, or at least strongly dislike me. I feel as though I really can't do anything right. Anything I say to anyone, seems to be the wrong thing. The other thing is that my friends and I always tease each other, but now they're teasing me more and it's becoming hard. Today I was picked on for my posts on facebook. I know, it's nothing big, but when it happens most days of the week, it only encourages withdrawal on my part. Today I came home from Salinas and took several Valium and slept for a couple hours. I sure feel a little better now. I'm stressing about school though. It's so much pressure, just the change of schedule and instructors is crazy. The material becomes overwhelming at times.

So today at lunch I sat with my instructor, while my three friends sat at another table. I wanted to join them because I didn't want them to tease me about kissing up to the instructor. However, they were all sitting there talking about their boyfriends, or actually calling them. The other thing is that they constantly talk about sex, which I'm not comfortable talking about. It's frustrating to not "fit in". Is there something wrong with preferring to sit with my instructor (early 50's), than my friends (early 20's)??? Input???

Don't Fake It!

Biggest pet peave: FAKERS!!!! Ok, so last night I was on lovely Facebook and said "hi" to a church friend that hardly ever see, and can't remember the last time I actually had a REAL conversation with her was literally a couple years ago. After my excited "hi", she replied, "hi honey, but I gotta go, let's chat later". I understand she's busy with a family, but it's happened all too often that I hear, "we'll talk later." It doesn't happen. I get I'm high maintenence, but you don't need to lie and say we'll actually talk. It wasn't just that one friend, I actually get it a lot. With that, I feel like shit. I don't like being unliked, or being lied to. To be quite frank, I feel like CRAP and would rather be with God right now, if He's real!

Plans? What Plans?

I'm laying here in this empty house, aside from the cat. I LOVE when I'm alone! Although, at times I feel I need to be with someone or I'll be a loser. As far as meds... no valium since... maybe a couple yesterday. Haven't overdosed in a few days. I haven't cut in almost 2 weeks. I'm sitting here watching "Intervention". I love the show, and in a sick sort of way, sometimes I wish I could experiment like the people on the show. Only the people on the show are torn out of reality, lives destructed. My life is far from destruction, so I'm thinking I'll stick with my scrips/cocktails.

Today started out wonderfully! I picked up a friend from out of town, and we enjoyed a great church service. I walked out alone, not having talked to anyone, as usual. However, I usually leave discouraged and begin calling people to see if we can hang out, or SOMETHING. Instead, I was determined to go home to clean up and work on my room so that when Dad got home, we could go to Easter lunch, since mom and sister weren't home this weekend. Dad came home and helped me move the big things out of my room to prepare for the remodel. Then, dad got really sick. I immediately went into nurse mode. I did a bunch of stuff that might be another language to those not familiar with medicine. He was too sick to go out to eat. So, I spent a few hours monitoring my patient and taking care of him, and when he was feeling okay to be alone, I came to this empty house. It hasn't even crossed my mind to overdose, cut, or whine to anyone. Thank you Jesus!!!

Again- LOSER!!!!

HOLY COW!!!!!!!!!! Wish I could throw up right now!! I feel SO sick, and have no reason why! Ugh! Taking meds for that now!

So tonight was Good Friday service at church. I was alone in a fairly filled room. I was about to leave because of the anxiety until a friend walked in. I burst into tears and started shaking. Then, the full on anxiety attack hit- shortness of breath, RACING heart (over 100 beats per minute), flushed face, tremors, and an impending feeling of doom. It was Awful! I took 30 mg of Valium, and with my friend sitting next to me helped me to focus on the actual reason for being at church. The music tonight is what made the anxiety totally subside. Then, the service was over. I looked around, everyone was in their little groups chatting. I went to one friend to say hi, I waited for her to stop talking. She said hi and continued her conversation with the others she was with. I surveyed the room, and there wasn't anyone I could walk up to anyone in the room and have any type of conversation- hence the reason for the title, "LOSER". I left discouraged and the anxiety kicked back in. I'm home, in my room, which is going to be... "updated". I'm excited for that. I feel like it will be a new start! I just was a sanctuary I can go to for time with God and homework of course.

The fact that the above paragraph is so long bothers me, but it's going to have to work. In a nutshell, it's been an okay day. I look forward to tomorrow.

Up We Go

Wow!!! What a day!!! NO thoughts/desires to cut OR overdose!!!! That's AMAZING!!! Didn't overeat, or starve myself!! Meds working? Or is God beginning to show me He is the One in control and loves me, despite what my mind tells me??? I believe I'll stay on this medication cocktail for awhile.

I'm praying this one lady from bible study is open to me opening up to her soon. I feel she's one that can hold me accountable.

Duh! Total God thing today! So, I put on the bigger pants mom bought me last night and they felt tight. I of course freaked out and cried because they're bigger than what I have and almost as tight. I came in the room and just sat. The tears began falling from my face. My mom asked what was wrong. I told her I was frustrated with the weight, and brought up that she hurt my feelings the other night. I explained that it hurt when she said, "oh, you can have anything you want wrong with you for any reason." She said she didn't think she said it that way, but apologized nonetheless. That was a lot. Even better, she asked if I'd forgive her. Of course I did. It was very genuine. I then felt it was okay to tell her that my dad being depressed is frustrating. She totally agreed. Later my dad asked if I was okay and I told him yes, I just needed a cry- all of which is true. He said he feels the same way. Awww... Some peace. Finally. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!

Ready for bed, and finally looking forward to waking up, maybe even go for a run :)

I love You Abba!!!