WHAT NOW???

I'm now under contract with my therapist that I will not cut, after cutting several times the last couple weeks. I'm apathetic as far as my spiritual life. I don't even know where to begin to fix that. I want to overdose right now, but can't. I'm left to complaining here. Where do I go from here? I guess up...

Oh My Word!!!!

Wow! Flippin rapid cycling bipolar is in full swing! I'm literally depressed and somewhat manic at the same time! I know it's difficult to understand, but it's possible, just look at me! I feel hyper, yet I'm drugged with vicodin and flexeril for my shoulder. I accomplished nothing today because I spent most of it in bed. I'm SO ready for surgery!

I think I'll take my night meds early so I can get jump on studying on time tomorrow. Actually, I'm going to take my mood stabilizer NOW. I need to settle down. I can't. I feel like I could type forever. I know that would only bore you. So, I'm signing off. Night.

Okay, Done.

Okay, I'm really done! Why do I try and get well when I just fall back down. The last post about that friend telling me on two different occasions that she would call, still hasn't. Those calls should have been Tuesday and Wednesday. I left her a message making sure she was okay, since she was far away and on an airplane. She text me tonight, "I'm okay, just beat. I'm on call all weekend. When does it end? Gnt." Really?! That's it?! To me, that is a bullshit excuse too. I responded that it would end now. I'm so frustrated with myself that I let myself get so disappointed!!!! I'm so stupid!

I'm done living. I'm getting nowhere, as far school, life, career, or relationships. I'm praying right now that God would just take me, even if it's a miserable death and I don't go to Heaven! I just don't give a damn anymore. I want to take tons of meds and drive my car into a tree. I don't want to be saved. I'm DONE!!!

Now, if only God would answer my prayer...

Done!!!

I'm SO done with people telling me they'll call at a specific time, and fail to actually make that call. It pisses me off! Happened this week TWICE with the same person! The other thing I'm tired of is the excuse, "I'm too busy to talk/hangout/text." Quit telling bullshit lies like that and tell me you don't want to hang out. I can handle that. I'm a big girl now. Errrr!!!!! Sorry, perhaps more to come, but these things I HAD to get off chest, if you will.

Finally

Well, I haven't been here in almost a WHOLE month. I'm not sure what to write. I've been doing okay. Yesterday and today have been MUCH better than Wednesday! Wednesday I have to say, I was scared. I didn't feel like hurting myself, but did think about how much better it would be to be in Heaven with Abba, rather than on this earth. The verse about living is sharing Christ and to die would be gain. I think about that often. Yes it would be great to be with Christ, but I would not have fulfilled His will if I ended my life early. I'm alive for a reason. God has people lined up for me to share Him with, that encourages me. As emotional and irrational as I can be, I can see part of MY purpose. That feeling is relieving.

Wednesday. Wow! Amazing I made it. It all started in the morning in therapy. I cried almost the whole time. I have a lot of hurt, and my therapist saw that. I later saw two other therapists, both of which I had to contract for safety because they were so worried about me. I have to be honest, I was scared and perhaps the hospital would have been appropriate. Helpful, however? Doubtful. Been down that road and it lead to no improvement. I believe Wednesday and earlier in the week was hard because I was out of my mood stabilizer. Wednesday I went and got an emergency supply because I knew if I went to bed Wednesday without taking it, I was VERY afraid to think of how and what I would have awoke to feeling. Now that it's Friday, I feel like I'm seeing more clearly. I'm definitely not as emotional or depressed.

Right now I'm focused on studying for boards in less than a month, which scares me! However, I'm making sure I'm getting God time. I missed Bible study yesterday, but finished "Crazy Love" earlier this week. Now I'm reading "Battling Unbelief". I'm only on chapter one, so I can't give much input. As far as "Crazy Love"...it was AMAZING!!! From the first to the last page I continued to be even more encouraged by reading in writing how much God loves me. It helped me take the focus off what others think of me and trying to attain their love, and focus on God. God is all that matters, so others' love for me has no value.

Wow! I need to get back on track with this blog. My prayer is that I'm able to post it publicly without judgment. Unfortunately I think that day is a ways in the future. For now, whoever reads it will hopefully be encouraged, or even come to understand depression and bi-polar better. Thank you to those that keep up with this blog. Please leave me a message and input!

Boy oh Boy!!!!

What a day! I am so glad I wasn't around anyone today, because it would have been nothing but a punishment for the other person. I don't really hate myself. I just don't care about myself. I took some of my anxiety medicine, as prescribed. I tried to not eat today. I failed. Since I couldn't meet that goal, I decided I had to release that anger and guilt and cut myself. I cut a lot, but I am not satisfied because it did not bleed much. Although, the couple drops I saw made me feel a little better. I still have the urge to cut deeper, but I'm going to chat on facebook instead.

This Will Be A Long One

My therapist ended up calling me and I couldn't talk, so all that was accomplished was for me left to agree to contract for safety until I call her tomorrow. Pisses me off!! I was waiting to be off the contract so that I could cut. I superficially scratched my wrists- pointless. I have taken 1.25 mg of my anxiety medicine. All I can think about it cutting, overdosing, and food.

I'm determined to be in control of my food intake!!! No one can take that from me. Today I had a bowl of raisin bran this morning, coffee later, and I think water the rest of the night. I'm sure I ate something else... nope. I may have something tonight, but I'm going to try not to. Say no to food!!!

Surprise

Surprisingly enough, I didn't use any medication for anxiety today. I studied four hours today, which means I suck! Waiting for two friends to return phone calls or texts. I guess to some people returning a phone call doesn't matter. To me, it's common courtesy. Guess it's the norm and I'm wrong, again. Goodnight.

Oh!!! A major plus! I've lost almost 5 pounds. Doesn't sound like a lot, but it makes me happy! It means I AM in control of SOMETHING. Now that I'm finally seeing progress, I'm gonna try even harder to not eat. Today I had pop tarts and a piece of cake. Tomorrow will include a protein shake instead, and maybe a banana.

It's Still Here!!!

The depression and anxiety WILL NOT stop!!!! I have been tear free, but certainly not without hurt. I'm still feeling alone. I met with my pastor last week, and it went great. Now, I can't find good. I'm nothing but trash. I want to slit my wrists and watch the blood flee my body as if it were my feelings and emotions. Of course, I'm NOT going to do that. I have too many wonderful friends.

Yes, Again

Yesterday I cut myself a couple times. VERY superficially though. I'm feeling really stupid for being used by my "friend". I'm not suicidal AT ALL!!! I just want to numb the pain. I have taken all my night meds, plus 110mg of Valium. I feel tired, but that's about it.

I have the best friends! Last night getting an injection for my anxiety was pointless. I'm going to sign off. I can't think of anything else to write.

What to do...

So, no impulsiveness today. Oh...except trying to purge tonight. No overdosing, though this full bottle of Valium next to me does seem tempting. Cutting sounds AMAZING! Won't do either one though, I am too lazy. I guess I'm moving back anything harmful, hence the purging. I have thrown up a couple times the last couple weeks, but not on purpose. I forgot how much better I feel what I throw up! So cleansing, and refreshing!

Not sure where to go from here. I will continue to pray for God to take me. Perhaps others could also join me in that prayer?

I'm Ready!

I'm not in the mood to overdose. Cutting, I wish I could. Praying I die tonight, YES! It is my prayer that God has used me somehow and is now ready to take me to Him.

I'm out of resources. The pastor at my church has yet to address my issue(s). Not that he has to, but I feel I've reached out and I'm just left to figure things out myself. With the exception of ONE friend, no one at church will accept my plea for help. Some I've been vague with, so I understand that. Others, know the extreme I've taken to hurt myself.

I know some are wondering why I'm not in the hospital. It's simple, I'm not going to hurt myself, or others. Yes, it sounds like it, and I WANT to hurt myself, but I'm not going to.

I'm frustrated because my days are GREAT, and my nights leave me feeling like dying. Not taking calls tonight and will try to go to bed early. I apologize for all the complaints. Please leave SOME sort of a comment. Thank you, Amanda

What The Hell?!

What the hell is going on?! Thought these roller coaster emotions would be fixed with the increase in medication. Well, I superficially cut myself. I don't want to overdose on Valium anymore, because the doctor may take it away. I was having a great day, until a friend text me, "your last text pissed me off!". my text said, "so i buy u lunch and never hear from you?" i was being TOTALLY innocent and sarcastic. She took is seriously and said she isn't going to talk to me for awhile. I honestly think EVERYONE would be better off if I was dead. I'm reaching out, really, I am. I've sent a few urgent messages to my pastor, which leads to NOTHING. I want nothing more than to die. In fact, I'm praying God takes me tonight. I don't want to go another day!

I want so badly to have support, like regular accountability, but that's NOT possible. It's just not possible for any human to be there for me as much as I'd like. I have nothing to offer this world! I need to leave. I feel that if God was real, there would be a solution by now. For now, I'm taking like second by second, literally! I'm trying not to be impulsive...

Yep, again

Again I took too much Valium. I'm doing ok though. I'm starting to get a bit tired. I'm checking often to make sure I don't need to go into the hospital.

Today I helped and walk for a walk a thon for a friend. It was to raise money for her to get the therapy and treatment she needs. I'm praying the treatments work! I know either way, it's God's plan and timing. I'm tired! It was suggested to me that I blog tonight. I really don't know what else to say.

Aside from overdosing, I'm wishing a guy friend was available to come over. I just want that company, to have an arm around my shoulder. I like this guy that is recently single, but my friend is seeing him. I went to the Garlic Festival last week and guys were checking out my friend and I didn't exist.

My huge people pleaseing problem growing more and more troublesome! I feel like I need certain people. I know deep down that God is the sole purpose, but he's not. I want worldly comfort.

What's my next step???

Wow!

Talk about suicidal!!! I have nothing to look forward to right now. I really would be okay if I died tonight to live with Jesus. Living with Jesus sounds amazing, except the fact that I'll be living FOREVER! Almost wish I could die and be done with everything. Tonight I helped at church and was open to what God had for me. Now, I've cried on my kitchen floor in a fetal position. I tried talking to a couple people, with no success. My friend Michelle, bless her heart, was trying so hard to help. I just didn't want to be alone though. I left my house with the intention of taking plenty of Valium. Instead, I got in the shower, sang VBS songs, and prayed. I felt better and came to the conclusion is simple, but complicated- I'm an addicted people-pleaser. Now, I think some counseling will help shoot for pleasing God, NOT people! PRAYING, Amanda

Not Yet

Too soon to tell if my medication increase has helped. I was a bit less moody today. Right I SOOO want to pour a handful of pills in my hand and take them! Ugh!!!!

I helped at church tonight, with children's ministry. I had a blast!!!! Everything in the world faded, and only the kids mattered. Now I'm home and feel like crap, and wish God would take me tonight. Probably be back tomorrow.

GRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!

Again, I failed! I overdosed again last night. This time I took 50mg, I think. I may not have taken that much. Tonight I'm left feeling alone, empty, and self-hatred. I want so badly to die right now. It sounds so peaceful. My friend told me tonight that I have too much to live for and too many people to mentor. I'm going along with therapy Tuesday for the first time in a couple years. I'm hoping I don't go back on my word and start cutting again too. No overdose tonight, as of now. Night.

And It Continues

I just took 20mg more of Valium than I'm supposed to. I have had zero effects. I want so badly to take more! I had two alcohol drinks tonight, which is practically nothing! Last night I drank a couple drinks and took a small amount of Valium. It didn't...nothing. I'm keeping it short tonight. I have nothing to write.

PLEASE!

I just logged on tonight to complain AGAIN. I've decided to post this instead:

Please pray, and intercede if you can: http://www.nogreaterjoymom.com/2010/07/im-pleading.html

Please read this post!!!!

Grrrrr!!!!!!!!

What am I to do?! My emotions are in hyper-response mode!!! I had a WONDERFUL blessing of a day, yet feel like crap! What the heck is my problem?! I haven't blogged in days. I guess because I've been housesitting and doing okay. I apologize for only writing when I complain. There is a list of things going through my head right now, and really can't put them into words, other than writing the list. Below are my thoughts:
I hate myself. I'm fat, ugly, and selfish. I am thankful for wonderful friends. I would rather be dead. I want to go back to cutting, or overdosing. I can't though. I'm a failure. I'm a waste of time and space.

That's about it. I guess I'm left to my own demise. Okay, now I'm pissed!! I'm looking for my valium and can't find it!!! I have to! I have a bottle of a couple hundred!!!! Ugh!!! I'm currently looking in a couple places then typing a bit. Phew! Found them!!! Goodnight! Praying for a better tomorrow!!!

I'm Done!

What a crazy few days! I had a great weekend, but came home to turmoil within my family. I NEED to get out of my house!!! My mom is ridiculous and unreasonable. Not to mention, I feel like a loser living with my parents still! I'd go on, but it would be a waste of your time. All I know is that dying would be fine with me! No worries, I'm not expecting to, I'm just beyond frustrated!!!

Huge Despair...

I'm thinking tonight may be a good night to look back at earlier posts. I'm SOOOO discouraged right now! I've cried, I've yelled, I've prayed and pleaded, and am now medicating. I'm in major physical pain. I can't tell anyone in person, and be totally open, due to doubt that they will believe me. As far as emotional pain...I've got that too. I'm frustrated that I'm not "better"...

What is "better"??? I guess the problem is that I picture "better" as being perfect. Am I striving for perfection? Perhaps...despite knowing I will fail. But why??? These are questions that perhaps only God can answer, which is frustrating because if loves me, why won't he answer my pleas?

Let me think...what is the root of my despair? I feel SO alone. I don't feel that anyone understand the pain inside, aside from the physical pain. I know, I should seek Christ alone, but am not finding peace. I am not excited about anything. I leave for Disneyland Friday, and would rather stay home. I'm graduating in two weeks, and don't care. I know this feeling and emotion will pass, I just need to be patient, I know. I'm so helpless! I can't help anyone and I don't think anyone can really help me.

My best friend is out playing hockey with her friends, as I sit here and take care of her kids. I don't mind, but at the same time, I'd rather not. I wish she wasn't going to be out until midnight, so that we could chat. I want her to come home just so that we can do something to get me a tiny bit out of this funk! For now, I have a 4, 6, and 13 year old to tend too. Thank goodness for Wipeout to settle them before bedtime.

I guess on a positive note, I can thankfully report that I have ZERO thoughts/urges to hurt myself in any way possible! I'm not even going to take my anxiety meds :)

NOW I See It

WOW!!!! I can really see the "bipolar" diagnosis I was given so many years ago. It sounds so negative, and admitting that I am, isn't easy. I feel flawed. I feel that I'm less of a person because I struggle so much. In reality, that's not true. I may have emotional struggles, but everyone has at least on area they struggle with, right?

I agree with my diagnosis because I literally go second to second from feeling full of peace, to being filled with NOTHING but EXTREME self-disgust! I really don't know what to do. I'm praying, that's a given for me. I took my hot shower, and I actually got out feeling no relief, as it usually does. I've been replaying parts of my day, and thinking of all the different things that I should have done differently. Ugh! I'm disgusting!!!!

I have to admit, I'm starving myself. I have been for a few days now. I wasn't doing it on purpose, I just got busy and didn't think about eating. Right now, I'm really hungry but am refusing! It's the only thing I can control, and even that I suck at.

Perhaps a good night of sleep will help...

Thank You, Jesus

I am beginning to feel a bit of my anxiety creeping in. I refuse to allow it though. I'm not taking Valium, and I'm not giving my power to the emotions. I had a great day, and a great evening. I'm going to focus on that!

My doctor, and friend, came in to give a small lecture in class today. I missed the first half of the next class, and she took me to get a tapioca drink. I'm so blessed! She is the one that took it upon herself to volunteer to be my mentor, and support me through this journey. I can only pray that I can at some point share this blog with her as a testament of Christ's love and mercy.

My evening was a true blessing. I again helped my friend Lisa with her daughter to do some OT and PT. Lisa is one strong and faithful servant! God's strength is mind- boggling! I'm so thankful that a year ago God touched my heart to reach out to Lisa and her family. Had I not been obedient, I wouldn't have the blessing that they are!

Blessings to all,
Amanda

On My Knees

Wow! I just told a dear friend, Lisa, that I so appreciate her allowing me to help her with her daughter, Jess. I thanked her for being such a great example of Christ's love. She laughed and wrote back, "want to see Christ's love... look in the mirror". In the past I would have brushed it off and quickly told myself, "she's just saying that" or another negative thought. Instead, I was instantly brought to my knees. I'm SO humbled that a friend would think that. The thought that someone sees Christ's love in me, is so amazing. I'm so thankful to be blessed with Christ's salvation, grace, mercy, and peace. I will continue to pray for Lisa and Jess.

Today I also went to my anxiety/panic class. I feel that it's a waste of time because I know how to handle the anxiety, I just choose not to at times. I, however, had a revelation last week. I think I'm in the class more to help others in the class, and if I get something out of it too, it's a bonus.

I'm off to bed. I get to see my mentor tomorrow, and CAN'T wait!!! She's so amazing! She may start reading this...I'll ask her tomorrow.

Good night!
Amanda

Yes, The Time Has Come

Hi. Let me introduce myself. I'm Amanda. I'm in my twenties and I work and go to school. I'm graduating soon, and could not be more excited! I've recently planned a mini vacation for the beginning of July. I'd rather not give any other details.

Now, the good stuff. God is so amazing! I'm seeing Him work in every aspect of my life right now. I have a peace about me. I have an overall better attitude doing things. I love it! I need to start writing these times down because as i sit here to write about it, my mind gets a bit foggy. I'm going to head to bed and pray for specifics to post tomorrow. For now, blessings.

Amanda

Alright!

Okay, today was MUCH better than yesterday. It was REALLY long, which Wednesdays generally are-seven hours of theory lecture. Second time in the last month that I genuinely could not focus anymore. I never knew it was possible to learn SO much! I got to the point though that ONE more fact was going to send me on an emotional/anxiety filled roller coaster. Thankfully, I fought off those temptations. Now, it's just a matter of studying those 2 lectures for the exam next Wednesday.

Today my friend in the hospital in LA called me. It made my day! The fact that SHE called ME is amazing! I was so happy to hear her voice. We talked about our memories from a couple years ago. Made me kind of sad that we haven't been able to make more memories since her last suicide attempt, but I look forward to July. Her sister and I will be taking her to Disneyland! I'm SUPER excited! Disneyland will be great, but just hanging out with her will be enough :)

As far as emotions go, I'm doing pretty well. I'm trying to handle one thing at a time. Today it was a migraine and my IV rate exam. Tomorrow it's clinicals and work. I've been missing people a lot though, people I haven't talked to or seen in a long time.

I guess I really didn't need to post tonight. Nothing really to report on. Although, I'm grateful for not giving into the temptation yesterday. Yes, my pastor was right, I am glad that I didn't give in.

Prayers,
A

Since Then...

Since I gave my word that I was giving up self-destructive behaviors, today was the biggest struggle. I wanted SOOO badly to go buy a sharp razor and cut myself. My anxiety was just horrible, and I was hating myself. Why? Well, I napped for a few hours this morning and feel that was a waste of time, so I hate myself for that. I bothered an instructor for help and bothered her, so I hate me for that too. I'll get to the point! I have succeeded with my commitment to Christ and haven't hurt myself in any way, not even starve myself. I'm beat! Off to bed for now, perhaps some more tomorrow.

Blessings,
A

It's Official!!!!

Last night I made up my mind! I'm giving up the cutting and overdosing. It's been awhile since I've done either one, but I'm making it know that I'm not going to give in anymore. I guess I'm posting it in hopes that it will help hold me accountable. My pastor doesn't know, but I'm sure he'll be thrilled. I've only told one person, Sherry.

Last night as I was sharing this commitment with Sherry, she asked why the change of heart. The reason I've decided to let go of those self-defeating things is that it doesn't benefit me in the long term. I'm working on the idea that really does care for and love me. I'm really caught on the fact that we are granted new mercies, EVERYDAY! I'm humbled by that. I don't deserve anything I have, yet God chooses to bless me immensely. I'm not sure what else to say. I guess tonight's post is just going to have to be short and sweet :)

Yep, More Up And Downs

So, I signed on this post starting positively. However, I was just made fun of, again. I also sent a text to an instructor to set up a meeting and she replied to please email her, which then made me feel bad that I bothered her. So, now I suck! Big time! My friend called me, "K", the one that swallowed part of a necklace a few weeks ago. She is in surgery as I type this. She asked me to get a hold of her mom and let her know. I haven't done that yet. Does that make me a horrible friend? Probably. Murphey's Law is in full swing right now.

Ok, have got to get a grip!!! I have the privilege of taking care of my friend, Jess, tonight. She is recovering from a horrific car accident a year ago. I love being with she and her mom. I just love being at their house. There really is a sense of peace that I don't get anywhere else, even church.

So today could have been bad. I know, my intro is very negative, but as I step back, it's been a good day. Actually, it's just been my attitude throughout the day. I started working 0530-0730 this morning, then came to school and studied more. I took my test, knowing I missed enough to not get an A. I decided not to stress. I then found out that I got an A. After lunch I came back to class and we had pharmacology and math problems. I was good until number 23. I got it wrong and all confused with the IV drip rate formula. I then became very discouraged. I went to my instructor after class for help. I shed a few tears, but then re-focused. I ended up understanding it a bit better. Now, I'm sitting in the most pointless class EVER. However, I love this instructor. I'll conclude tonight, after staying with my friend, Jess. I will hopefully have an update on "K" also.

Alright. I'd give the day/evening an 8 tonight. I had a great time with Jess. My friend, K, had the piece of the necklace removed through her throat. I have NO idea how on earth how in two weeks it didn't get lodged in her GI tract. Instead, the doctors found it in her lower esophagus, right by her sternum. Craziness!

In a nutshell, I had some ups and downs. My downs were not at all like they usually are. They seemed...low-grade. My ups were great. Praying for peace as I sleep and look ahead to another morning of new mercies, Lord willing.

Uncertainty

Happy-no
Sad-maybe
Hopeless-yes
SI-yes
Self-harm thoughts-DEFINITELY
Lonely-for sure!
Overwhelmed-a bit
Frustrated-kinda
Wanting it to tall end!!!!

The pain in which I feel right now is like so many of my days. I start a new class this afternoon on anxiety. I'm for sure needing Valium right now, but haven't taken any yet. I want to take about ten! I'm wishing I could talk to certain people, and yet I can't think of anything to talk about. I just feel a sense of doom...like my world is going to fall in any second. I'm in despair, leaving me hopeless and feeling alone. I'm feeling betrayed by God. Why? I guess because these days are so dark and frequent, despite the few bright days I have. What I wouldn't do for a good drug right now!

In Despair,
me

Yes...No....Maybe....

I'm considering going "public" with my blog. I've had about 1,000 readers, and can see God's work in my own life through reading it. I really want it to help someone, even ONE person. I would have to figure out how to do it without my mom finding it... I'll pray about it. For now, I'll remain anonymous.

Today was a good day. I got frustrated when my classmates came over to do our take home test. Three of us had it done, one did not. I spent THREE hours looking for all 60 correct answers. The one friend came, not having done more than five of the questions. I simply said, "This took me a long time, you really didn't do it?" So, I had a hard time just handing her the answers. She said she was tired because she worked yesterday, which is why she didn't get her test done. We have had two weeks. I did mine a week ago. She said to me, "I actually WORK, people don't just pay me to sit on a couch." This comment hit me, and hard. Yes, when I babysit I do have some time to work on school work, but to claim I do nothing but sit on a couch and get paid?! I'm hurt. I know babysitting isn't all that hard most of the time, but it is a lot of work. It's a WHOLE LOT more than sitting on a couch. Am i wrong in thinking babysitting really is work???

Today church was amazing! My pastor talked about allowing God to change us, and let go of our chains and shame. I found myself thinking about the fact that I won't commit to letting go of self-harm completely. I need to pray about that. I don't think I'll do anything again, but I thought that over a year ago too. I guess I better start praying now!

Torn

I think I would compare myself to a ratted piece of cloth right now. I've been torn in half. I'm torn between following Christ, and giving in to emotions and overdosing. I'm praying. I know God is working, I've done SO well with the recent changes and incidences this week. My attitude towards others, and my outlook are generally positive. However, there remains that little part in my head saying to cut or overdose. Man! Torn between the ways of this world, and God's way. I feel super alone to top it all off. Errrr!!!! I'll stop now before you get depressed.

Continued...

I started out the morning pretty rough. I woke somewhat late, rushed out the door, and drove to the clinic. I was so tired, I missed my exit. This would normally put me in a bad mood IMMEDIATELY! THEN, I get to clinicals to find my normal instructor (who I agreed with I would be happy for her birthday today) was not coming, and instead we had a strict instructor, that I thought for sure I would disappoint. ALL of that would usually have sent me WAY downhill. It didn't. I decided to text my friend to check on the patient I visited yesterday, she quickly responded that he passed away this morning at 0330. I was upset at first, but quickly reminded myself he is now healed and running ALS free with God. It actually brought a smile to my face. I continued on my day with his family and my friend in prayer, and had a completely different heart and attitude towards my patients and classmates, AND instructor! I got out of clinicals super early so rested up. I went to work and enjoyed it. I'm now all cozy in my bed, and thanking Jesus for the peace, joy, and mercy He gives me each day! I look forward to the day I can be with Jesus, but I also look forward to serving Him another day tomorrow, Lord willing.

Blessings!

Take Me

I sat beside a man this afternoon for about an hour. I did nothing, but stare at him, watching for any sign of life. I watched his blood pressure drop below what I have EVER seen a live person having. I watched him with a friend. The man was diagnosed with ALS over 30 years. He is truly a miracle. The prognosis was one year. Here he is over thirty years later, and all those years served God and worked to be a faithful servant is His. I was leaving him this evening, finding it more and more difficult every step further from him I got. For some reason, there was an overwhelming sense of peace in the room, just watching him. He is currently status: full code, on 100% oxygen on his trach through a ventilator. He is truly on his way to heaven. I found myself feeling jealous, that he is going to be with Jesus soon, and my day could be far away. By him being "full code", that means they will shock him and do EVERYTHING possible to keep him alive. I believe that the Lord is ready for him. He is waiting for the family to accept it. Please pray for them.

I found myself regretting every cut and pill swallowed. Now, that I'm away from Coach's bedside, I feel I could overdose, but remind myself of the impact I could have on others' lives. Oddly enough, I was planning on leaving school and overdosing, when my instructor invited me to go visit Coach with her. How is that not God???

What I've LeaRNed

Thank you, Lord, for those that have answered your calling and are nurses!

I'm Baaaack

My day has been wonderful! I text a friend I miss greatly and he answered back. He said he thought about calling me this week. He's the previous youth ministry leader. I informed him of the last few months and that I stepped down out of the youth ministry. I told him I never heard back from the current youth leader. My friend apologized and asked if I was seeking help. I told him I haven't overdosed or cut in awhile, but some people know.

Oddly enough, the temptation to cut flashed in my mind. I pushed it out, but not as quickly as I should have. I briefly thought about the rush and relief it gives me. I can't go back to that!

Why, God? Why?

Why do I have so much self-hatred? Why am I so self-critical? I wish I knew because it sure makes me miserable a lot. I was able to do nothing right yesterday, in my mind, when in reality I was doing just fine. I seek others' approval FAR too hard, and it just frustrates me! I need to stop, but just don't for some reason.

My friend is very suicidal right now. I'm feeling good, so I don't mind helping. However, she's playing games, and I'm not willing to be manipulated. I'll take her to the hospital or call the police, but games I won't play.

Too tired to most more. My apologies.

Not Sure...

I'm not sure what to think of all I'm feeling. I'm literally feeling the bipolar! I feel like I'm teetering on the fence. Do I fall down on the side of not feeling physically present and start cutting again, or step down and genuinely follow Christ... I've been doing really well the past few days, but tonight I had a VERY BRIEF thought of cutting. Thankfully, I pushed it out and it didn't come back.

Last night I made a new friend :) I know, not a big deal, but for me it is. Later in the night my friend text me with a personal concern. She sounded very worried and insisted I be the ONLY one for her to confide in. I have prayed with this friend and she knows where I stand as far as values. She found a lump on her vagina. She had unprotected sex last week, and a few weeks ago, and should have started her period a week and a half ago. I insisted she call and get into planned parenthood. She did. She asked that I please go with her. Of course I went with her. I reassured her the best I could. She came out from the visit very relieved. She was not pregnant, had no signs of STDs, and got birth control. I stressed to her the BEST solution would be abstinence. I told her that if she wanted to stop having sex with guys to find her value, I would gladly help. I left it at that. She knows, and can, come to me with anything. I pray that God just works in her heart and uses me to the greatest ability.

With that, I really noticed that people seem to find it easy to talk to and trust me. I am humbled by the integrity God has helped me to gain others' trust.

I haven't blogged the last few days because I was in the ER with a HORRIBLE migraine! I sat there for three hours, waiting for a shot and the outcome, which took only half an hour. I felt much better! I ended up sleeping yesterday away. I must have needed the rest. With that, I'm going to go to bed.

Goodnight :)

Holy Cow!

What a day!!! It started early, but involved naps off and on from 0730 and 1300. I knew staying in the house all day was only going to make work later very difficult. I got up and went to get food, then drive to Gilroy to be with a friend. I then went to work and had a blast!!! It was so fun!!! I'm finding that I'm loving work more the past few weeks! Why? I'm not sure.

Starting late afternoon today, the friend that was contmeplating suicide yesterday was in worse mental condition today. I tried to help. I knew she took triple the normal amount of one medication and double the normal dose of two other medications. I did my research, and from what I could find, she wasn't in too much danger. She was playing games with me all night though. She asked if I was calling the police. I told her no, which I didn't. She text me to do her a favor and "call someone and and see if two people were working". I was very confused so I called her, just to get her voicemail. This was about 2330. I texted her a few more times, never heard from her. With much thought I opted to call her mom to please go check on her.

The reason I waited so long was because I know the feeling of hopelessness. My friend Sherry could have called the police several times for me a few months back, and never did. I would have been VERY upset had she called someone. She knew that, and honored it. I appreciate it greatly and have apologized and thanked her. I wish I could do more. Does getting better count? I told her when we first started talking about my bad habits, I expressed how much I HATED when people overreacted, so that's why she never called the police. She brought that up to me tonight, which made me think twice about calling on my friend. I feel it was different for me because I really did know what I was doing. The amounts of medications I took I knew the effects of ahead of time. Anyway, THANK YOU Sherry. I can only repay you by moving forward, and paying it forward.

With that, I think I can rest assured that my friend is ok, considering I haven't heard from she or her mom. Please pray for her. Please pray that God continues to give me the words and wisdom to help her when she's willing to have help.

Thank you Abba!
Blessings,
WheresGod

And This Isn't His Best!

What a day!!! I had a great day at clinicals, rushed home and changed for the memorial service for the loss of a friend's dad. It was later this evening that I did it! I made the decision to walk with Christ,actively! The memorial service was inspirational because the man that passed away led a very Godly life, and so did his family. I was amazed at how many people were there to support the family.

When I'm feeling suicidal, I often wonder if anyone that I cherish, would be sad, or relieved... I didn't think much about living "for God" much after the service. Then, I got a text from a friend that was suicidal. I randomly texted her back with a way to cope until I could call her. She said it was an "awesome" idea and how did I come up with it... I do it, but telling her, I knew it would work and God gave me the words to explain to her. She did it, and is now peacefully typing some stuff and chatting on facebook. I called her to hear what she wrote and then words literally flew from my mouth! I KNOW they were not my words, because I struggle with and often do the very things I was telling her not to. However, at the same time, I was realizing, God was doing some molding on my heart. I have a COMPLETE desire to live my life for Him!!! I CAN NOT wait to reach Heavens Gates, and hear, "well done, my good and faithful servant".

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. Phil. 1:21 It's truly my heart! I would be at peace if I were to go tonight, but am SO excited to live the life Christ has laid out for me, and to share Him with many others!!!

Humbled

I was talking to a dear friend this afternoon and she was telling me about an interview she had and I knew the interviewer. She shared with me that she told the employer how I helped lead her to Christ. Wow! I was speechless. I started thinking about it more, and realized how much of a love I had for her brokenness, to that point that I kept in touch at least 4 years, when she accepted Christ. I met her while she was a freshman, and I was a senior. I looked into her eyes, and was touched! I knew God was calling ME to pursue her. I did. She was very resistant, but I was not giving up on this sweet girl! She was stubborn, but very quiet. I invited her over and over to church events. She finally came. That's when she finally told someone a secret that I already knew about. She told me and was relieved I wasn't going to judge her or anything, but instead we sat looking at the setting sun as I prayed God's peace over her. She is now an amazing young lady in Christ. I'm going to hear her whole testimony soon, but for now, I'm humbled that God would choose me back then, and even now.

God, I pray for that passion and heat again!!! Light the fire in me!

Trust NO ONE

Last week I asked a friend of mine and my mom's, if it would be wrong to move out in a year even though my parents just redid my room. Well, that friend told my mom that she needs to quit giving me a bad time. So, I walked in the door and my mom was all defensive and asked what I'm telling people. I feel that I have lost the ability to trust that friend anymore. I'm just let down.

I was just having a conversation with two friends at lunch about how we agree that when a friend tells us something, we don't tell anyone, unless permission is given. It's an unspoken courtesy to not pass things on. Is that too high of a standard???

Again, Now What?

Feeling: crappy, bitchy, stressed, overwhelmed, ALONE
Thoughts: wish i could cut, or overdose
Desires:..... a big hug
Does any of this truly matter?? NO!!!!!!!! So why post it? I guess because it's the only place I can be TOTALLY open. I feel like crap because of the horrible being that I am!!!

Not Feelin' It

I'm not feeling much like fighting for my spiritual life. Why? The stupid reason that I am not as good as my friends. I don't feel that I fit in. I got a bad score on my exam today.

That just threw me overboard! I know better than to compare myself to them. However, I do it! My church friends not inviting me to things, I can understand, and I get that I don't "fit in" with them. My school friends are more of what's getting me down. Two of them are dating a guy and constantly talk about sex and their double dates right in front of me. I've asked that they not talk about the sex, but that didn't do anything. I just walk away when I can now. I guess all I'm doing is pissing and moaning, so I'll stop for now.

Emotionally, today has been pretty decent. I'm not stressed, and still haven't taken Valium since a couple days ago. I am drinking a mixed drink right now, but I don't tend to get out of hand with alcohol. If possible, please give input and/or questions from my last post.

The Fight Within

Today I talked with my pastor. GREAT guy! He in convinced that my bad days will become fewer and less extreme. I proceeded to argue with him because I don't think it's true, as much as I'd like it to be. I do thank him for his time and kind, encouraging words. I did feel a small weight lifted off my shoulders as I left the sanctuary. Today has been great emotionally, just at peace. I felt so special that my pastor flat out said he cares, and prays for me often. Wow! Couldn't ask for more. So to my pastor, and "Sherry", thank you for your concern and time. Thank you for collaborating to try and help me. I may post more later, but need to get ready for a midterm, and shower.

So, I call this post a fight because I truly am fighting. My flesh and spirit are at war. I want to get better and let go of my bad days, to say goodbye to self-destruction forever, but I just don't know that I can. I know it's fully up to me, and I pray God radically changes my heart. As I have been taught, and usually believe, that I am a new creation. I guess what's holding me back is my faith, or lack of. I just can't begin to comprehend WHY on earth Christ would choose me! Why me? I don't have much to offer, and live in disobedience. I pray this changes. I'm not sure I have been willing to try so hard to win this fight. I again, pray this fight is a season, that bad days will become fewer, and less extreme.

If ever you think to reply to my posts, I ask now, more than ever to please respond. I'd appreciate questions and/or responses.

Do It, Do It!!!

Do I just overdose, or drink my night away??? Tired of dealing with all the shit that happens in life! I laid in bed for a few hours this afternoon, simply because I didn't know what else to do to keep from going crazy!!!

Do I go to church tomorrow??? Or sleep in???

Taking Valium now. just 30mg for now.

OOOOO!!!!! Just went to get a drink! Forget about that alcohol crap! Too many calories! I forgot I brought Coke Zero to the house with me!!! I'm realizing more and more that I get more excited about the little things in life. I mean, really, a soda is going to keep me from overdosing or drinking alcohol? Sweet! Coffee does the same thing at times.

Well...

I never heard from my mentor this week. I didn't expect a call or visit, but thought she would at least reply to my apology. I'm surprised I'm not feeling self-destructive because of it. I'm actually doing well. It crossed my mind a couple times to overdose today, but... don't really feel like it.

How important is church??? Do I go???

Man! I kinda want to take lots of Valium right now! I don't really have to be anywhere tomorrow until 1500. I have access to TONS of alcohol right now, but really don't want it, which is different. I'm a bit surprised I don't want to drink ANY.

I think I'll continue to watch TV and chat with my dear friend. I'm enjoying this empty house with a puppy.

Blessings to you all!

Yep, Did It Again

So, I took a total of 90mg of Valium yesterday within 6 hours. My doctor told me specifically not to take more than 60mg on 24 hours. Clearly, I didn't care about that. I hated myself because my mentor told me she was really busy and can't help me. I felt SOOO guilty for even asking, that I just wanted to hurt myself. I wrote her back today to apologize. She's very understanding, so I think she'll accept my apology and we can move on. If not, I can't blame her.

Cutting is becoming more tempting. I've actually been in a few stores looking for something, and then looked for blades. I didn't see any. I didn't look too hard either though, because I knew it was wrong.

I will be attending church this Sunday, for the first time since right after Easter. I'm not sure I'll be staying at my church long term. There are some changes happening, so I'll wait to see how things go after those transitions. I'm also disappointed that two pastors at my church know that I'm struggling and have yet to even bring up with me. I've asked to talk to both, neither have accepted. If pastors and peers aren't there to help, I can't believe that God gave the church each other. I feel that if that truly were the case, I would be getting some support. I have ONE friend from church that continues to talk to me, and asks how I'm doing. I guess something catastrophic has to happen for others to notice you've been missing. I'm not much to miss though.

As far as medications, I will be taking some ASAP. I'm tired and want to sleep! Once I'm off the clock, I'm going to my house, into my room and then to my safe haven-the shower.

Uh-oh

Oh no!!! The feeling of needing to cut literally just flooded my head! Not sure what to do. I know it started because I don't have any plans today. Oh crap!!! I'm SOL if I don't get distracted! Perhaps a phone call to a friend is in order, to get my mind off myself...I HATE myself-utter DISGUST!!! I'm FAT and nearly failed my exam yesterday!!!

Well...

Yesterday I was going to post, but decided not to because all I had to say was, "fuck me!" I had HORRIBLE anxiety, and cried a few times so I was emotionally drained! Once I got home, I forced down some food, showered, and took my meds. The regular meds included 30mg of Valium in addition to the 30 mg three hours prior. No, it was not an overdose. It was the full allotted dose for one day. Today I haven't taken any and feel great. I was very productive, and am proud of myself, not to mention being happy that I got an A on my exam of three chapters yesterday! I feel as though things are looking up, but just when I do that, something happens and my world falls on my shoulders. I'll be praying things stay up for awhile though.

Food for thought: Is it wrong to attend church when you don't sense God in your life, and aren't actively pursuing Him???

No Valium

I'm happy to report I'm doing well and have not taken Valium since Friday afternoon. I know, it's only Monday. However, with the anxiety that was going on last week, that's a feat! Small, but a feat none the less. The Inderal is great! I don't want to be on it long term, unless my neurologist uses it as a prophylactic and takes me off the nortriptylene.

I am bummed that next week is my last game, but I'll be attending church regularly. Whether I stay at my current church, I'm not sure about. I will go a couple months and see how it goes. I just don't like that despite my requests, the youth pastor has yet to talk to me about the cutting and overdosing months ago. It just doesn't sit well with me.

I'm loving Monday nights! I'm not studying or doing homework. I'm watching TV and chatting on the computer. I am even going to enjoy a cherry Coke Zero and fruit snacks :) Wow! Just opened the can and took a few sips. I forgot how much I love the cherry Coke! Hope everyone enjoys their evening!

There IS A Light

Wow! My ENT is AMAZING!!!! She has been of GREAT support. I had an appointment with her Friday and she gave me a medication to slow my heart rate down, and I haven't needed Valium since :) She also gave me her personal email address and told me she's going to help all she can and being that most of my stress is from school, she wants to be my mentor. I cried when she told me that! I was speechless. I emailed a note of appreciation the other day.

It was laid on my heart this morning. There is a way for me to serve at church, since no longer serving the youth group. I am going to talk to a family in our church and work with their son with special needs one on one as he is in Sunday school.

I'm off to bed. Apologies for no more info. I'm a bit beat from a busy weekend.

Up We Go AGAIN!

Yep, I'm on the emotional rollercoaster again this week. Today my psychiatrist increased my Valium from 20mg twice a day to 30mg twice a day. If that doesn't solve the problem, I begin trial and error with previous meds that stopped working, but could start to work again. Anxiety today was pretty bad, but not as bad as yesterday. Tomorrow will be good, I'm convinced! I get to see my favorite doctor just to chat. She's my ENT, but wants to help me.

I was explaining to a friend that my anxiety doesn't start from dwelling thoughts, but rather physical symptoms and that people don't understand that. She asked why I even try to talk to people then. I felt like crap after that, but instead talked myself through it quite well. I try to talk because the physical symptoms are coming from somewhere and sometimes just talking to someone brings concerns up, which allow me to help work through those thoughts. Anyway,I'm going to bed. I apologize for the boredom.

Another Rollercoaster

WOW!!!! The last few days have SUCKED!!!! The thoughts and feelings are literally overwhelming. Yesterday I had MORE than one panic attack! They are AWFUL! Today, another one! I'm COMPLETELY fed up with these feelings of impending doom! Thinking about death or self harm...not really. However, I'm back on Valium and it's my best friend!!! I'm sitting here in a room full of chatter and feel as if I'm crawling out of my skin!! Someone help!!!! Wait, no one can help! Can God help??? I'm not even sure at this point. I'm praying for sure! Took 20 mg of Valium at lunch, and felt great for a breif amount of time. Now, however, I feel the panic beginning to rage! I just want to break into tears on someone's shoulder, there's no shoulder to cry on! Now I sound like I'm loathing so I'll shut up.

Short and Sweet

I'm beyond blessed for the provisions God has given me. Why He has chosen ME, I may never know, but am eternally grateful! I love my life and everything in it!

Thank You, Sherry

Well, I wasn't going to blog, mostly because I'm so frustrated at the lack of comments, and prayer requests. I enjoy praying for others, and thought I would get some requests.

Anyway, thanks to Sherry, I'm blogging. Today I was humbled when a friend asked how I knew so much about the medical field :) I knew I know more than many, but I guess I know more than I thought.

Another thing happened today that made me realize, I am making progress! A friend's sister posted a general comment on her wall on Facebook, and I instinctively took it personally. I read a bit more and realized, it wasn't aimed at me. I need to stop being so self-critical!

That's all I have for now. Please feel free to leave a comment that you were here, or a prayer request/praise. Thank you!

Finally!

I was finally able to make it to church this morning. I almost feel convicted for missing it so much, but feel I have the right to play soccer. I also feel that I need to start making a bigger effort to get to any church before games.

I can't even tell you the last time I had Valium. I guess I could look back at my previous posts, but I'm satisfied knowing it has been awhile. Thank you to those that have prayed for my racing thoughts. I haven't had any episodes today.

Again, keeping it short to avoid over complaining and whining.

FRUSTRATION!!!!

I'm beyond frustrated right now! Certain people are being... rude. Today and tonight were GREAT, but there were some things that people did that bothered me. I took it upon myself though to just accept it as it is, and assume I'm just being irritable.

Tonight was great caring and education some people. I love my life! I love that I'm so blessed to have some amazing friends, family, and opportunities! Gotta keep it short for now, I have a very busy few days ahead of me!

I am struggling with racing thoughts, the manic symptoms of being bipolar. It's scary, and awful! I am doing my best to trust that God will heal that, but it's scary nonetheless.

Only God Knows

Well, I wasn't going to post tonight because I'm not sure I have the words to describe my thoughts, but I have been encouraged to try (thank you "Sherry").

So I got out of school early and came home and took a NON-MEDICATED 3 hour power nap! I have eaten very healthy today. Just messed up when I had the four alcoholic drinks with dinner a couple hours ago. To some that sounds like A LOT, but for me, I honestly don't feel any different at all. They were weak drinks I guess.

Anyway, it occurred to me tonight as I was sitting with a group of people, knowing only one person, that I was really relaxed, confident, and talkative. I would say I actually saw good in me, especially when I got my wallet out and was asked if I was a Christian. I look back now, and I loved myself. WHOA!!!! That's huge! I didn't think I would ever be able to love myself, yet it's happening. Another big step, I think I'm ready and want to start dating. I am finding myself attracted to certain guys, and picture a possible date with them. Is that creepy? I didn't get his phone number, and he's not a Christian, so I know not to even pursue that. However, I am interested in meeting some Christian men, a bit older than me. For so long I've pictured myself as a single missionary, but maybe God has a partner in store for those missions....

Another Good Day

Today was LONG!!! But, it was WONDERFUL! School was 8-4, then I had to run errands. I was a bit stressed, but had a blast this evening. The thought of any self-harm hasn't even crossed my mind! Until now of course ;) I am pretty beat. I shouldn't be though.

Something different...Today I got my game schedule for this coming Sunday. I was elated to see that I'll be able to go to church! I was surprised that I was so happy about it, but I'll take it!

Tonight I'm gonna have to leave it shorter than last night. My brain cells are tired from 8 hours of lecture. Good night.

Now What?

Ok. So overdosing and cutting don't sound at all rational. The temptation is GONE! Praise Jesus!!! I'm a bit worried about the racing thoughts, but hoping the Geodon will soon fix that. I would hate to increase the dose because it would only make me more tired, which I can't imagine.

Praying for all!!!

D-O-N-E!!!!!!!!

Alright, just remembered to throw away my blade. It's in the trash can as I'm typing this. I find it oddly freeing.

However, I find myself sitting here frustrated. I'm gonna let it go. Breathe in...breathe out. Okay. I'm good. No Valium today, and clearly no cutting. That's it for now. I gotta get some rest!

A Leap To Success

Wow! What a weekend! And a GREAT one!!!! I got SO much accomplished! I haven't overdosed, or even taken Valium since Wednesday. Felt I could have used it on Thursday and Friday, but I didn't take any. I focused on prayer and breathing.

A HUGE step for me, I'm throwing away my blade tomorrow!!!! I would do it now but it's raining and I'm in bed. Please, don't mistake that as an excuse, as much as it sounds like one. I really am getting rid of it! I don't need it in my life. I can't remember the last time I cut, or even wanted to. It's been a few weeks since I've even thought about it!!!!

I find all this odd. I had a terrible week as far as relationships. I just feel I'm being bullied. I don't feel it's such a big deal now. Ultimately, the friends that truly care, will stick by me no matter what :) Even better, God never makes fun of me, except when I make plans :)

"Haters keep on hating"

That line is from a song I've never heard, but my friend sings all the time. I feel this is true for me. I feel TONS of people hate me, or at least strongly dislike me. I feel as though I really can't do anything right. Anything I say to anyone, seems to be the wrong thing. The other thing is that my friends and I always tease each other, but now they're teasing me more and it's becoming hard. Today I was picked on for my posts on facebook. I know, it's nothing big, but when it happens most days of the week, it only encourages withdrawal on my part. Today I came home from Salinas and took several Valium and slept for a couple hours. I sure feel a little better now. I'm stressing about school though. It's so much pressure, just the change of schedule and instructors is crazy. The material becomes overwhelming at times.

So today at lunch I sat with my instructor, while my three friends sat at another table. I wanted to join them because I didn't want them to tease me about kissing up to the instructor. However, they were all sitting there talking about their boyfriends, or actually calling them. The other thing is that they constantly talk about sex, which I'm not comfortable talking about. It's frustrating to not "fit in". Is there something wrong with preferring to sit with my instructor (early 50's), than my friends (early 20's)??? Input???

Don't Fake It!

Biggest pet peave: FAKERS!!!! Ok, so last night I was on lovely Facebook and said "hi" to a church friend that hardly ever see, and can't remember the last time I actually had a REAL conversation with her was literally a couple years ago. After my excited "hi", she replied, "hi honey, but I gotta go, let's chat later". I understand she's busy with a family, but it's happened all too often that I hear, "we'll talk later." It doesn't happen. I get I'm high maintenence, but you don't need to lie and say we'll actually talk. It wasn't just that one friend, I actually get it a lot. With that, I feel like shit. I don't like being unliked, or being lied to. To be quite frank, I feel like CRAP and would rather be with God right now, if He's real!

Plans? What Plans?

I'm laying here in this empty house, aside from the cat. I LOVE when I'm alone! Although, at times I feel I need to be with someone or I'll be a loser. As far as meds... no valium since... maybe a couple yesterday. Haven't overdosed in a few days. I haven't cut in almost 2 weeks. I'm sitting here watching "Intervention". I love the show, and in a sick sort of way, sometimes I wish I could experiment like the people on the show. Only the people on the show are torn out of reality, lives destructed. My life is far from destruction, so I'm thinking I'll stick with my scrips/cocktails.

Today started out wonderfully! I picked up a friend from out of town, and we enjoyed a great church service. I walked out alone, not having talked to anyone, as usual. However, I usually leave discouraged and begin calling people to see if we can hang out, or SOMETHING. Instead, I was determined to go home to clean up and work on my room so that when Dad got home, we could go to Easter lunch, since mom and sister weren't home this weekend. Dad came home and helped me move the big things out of my room to prepare for the remodel. Then, dad got really sick. I immediately went into nurse mode. I did a bunch of stuff that might be another language to those not familiar with medicine. He was too sick to go out to eat. So, I spent a few hours monitoring my patient and taking care of him, and when he was feeling okay to be alone, I came to this empty house. It hasn't even crossed my mind to overdose, cut, or whine to anyone. Thank you Jesus!!!

Again- LOSER!!!!

HOLY COW!!!!!!!!!! Wish I could throw up right now!! I feel SO sick, and have no reason why! Ugh! Taking meds for that now!

So tonight was Good Friday service at church. I was alone in a fairly filled room. I was about to leave because of the anxiety until a friend walked in. I burst into tears and started shaking. Then, the full on anxiety attack hit- shortness of breath, RACING heart (over 100 beats per minute), flushed face, tremors, and an impending feeling of doom. It was Awful! I took 30 mg of Valium, and with my friend sitting next to me helped me to focus on the actual reason for being at church. The music tonight is what made the anxiety totally subside. Then, the service was over. I looked around, everyone was in their little groups chatting. I went to one friend to say hi, I waited for her to stop talking. She said hi and continued her conversation with the others she was with. I surveyed the room, and there wasn't anyone I could walk up to anyone in the room and have any type of conversation- hence the reason for the title, "LOSER". I left discouraged and the anxiety kicked back in. I'm home, in my room, which is going to be... "updated". I'm excited for that. I feel like it will be a new start! I just was a sanctuary I can go to for time with God and homework of course.

The fact that the above paragraph is so long bothers me, but it's going to have to work. In a nutshell, it's been an okay day. I look forward to tomorrow.

Up We Go

Wow!!! What a day!!! NO thoughts/desires to cut OR overdose!!!! That's AMAZING!!! Didn't overeat, or starve myself!! Meds working? Or is God beginning to show me He is the One in control and loves me, despite what my mind tells me??? I believe I'll stay on this medication cocktail for awhile.

I'm praying this one lady from bible study is open to me opening up to her soon. I feel she's one that can hold me accountable.

Duh! Total God thing today! So, I put on the bigger pants mom bought me last night and they felt tight. I of course freaked out and cried because they're bigger than what I have and almost as tight. I came in the room and just sat. The tears began falling from my face. My mom asked what was wrong. I told her I was frustrated with the weight, and brought up that she hurt my feelings the other night. I explained that it hurt when she said, "oh, you can have anything you want wrong with you for any reason." She said she didn't think she said it that way, but apologized nonetheless. That was a lot. Even better, she asked if I'd forgive her. Of course I did. It was very genuine. I then felt it was okay to tell her that my dad being depressed is frustrating. She totally agreed. Later my dad asked if I was okay and I told him yes, I just needed a cry- all of which is true. He said he feels the same way. Awww... Some peace. Finally. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!

Ready for bed, and finally looking forward to waking up, maybe even go for a run :)

I love You Abba!!!

I Get It!!! I'm the fat girl!!

So mom says to me tonight, "going to the store, want new jeans?" me: "no thank you" mom: " you really need bigger jeans" Well, thank you for that, because I'm not already hard on myself about it. Now, the diet is going to be salads and protein shakes, and gotta workout more. I'd like a workout buddy, but looks like I'm alone in something else once again.

Ok, only 60 mg of Valium tonight. I've GOTTA stop! I'm not addicted, I just do it to be rebellious! God will get me back I'm sure. He's a bitter God. I don't even know what the hell to do next. Tomorrow I'm supposed to hang out with a friend and her family, and quite frankly, I'm getting anxious about it.

Today I did it! I stuck to a healthy diet! Gotta continue. If salad, chicken, or my protein shakes aren't available, I'm not eating. If I eat anything else, may have to resort to inducing vomiting, which I'm not sure I can do anymore since it's been so long. That's enough for tonight. I'm drinking my shake and taking my meds, then going to bed!!!

Believe It Or Not

I'm beyond hurt and pissed with my mom!!!! I haven't been home since yesterday morning. I walked in tonight and she asked if I was ok, due to something that happened last night. I said, "yeah, it was just my anxiety." Her response, "What? Why? You don't have school or anything!" I replied, "sometimes there isn't a reason, it's possible to just feel anxious." Mom: "Oh yeah. I forgot, you're (my name), you can have just anything wrong with you for no reason!" and then she turned away from me. One minute later her dog wanted out and she then said, "let the dog." I kindly did, heard the dog bark from my room while she was still outside so I went into the livig room and let her dog back in. A simple "thank you"? Nope. Nothing!

In sharing this story, yes, I do hope to release some anger, but please be patient when talking to someone with or about anxiety. There are often triggers that the person (patient) isn't aware of that causes the anxiety. Sometimes, sitting in front of a computer for over an hour for, leads to anxiety, no specific reason, just happens. I apologize for the complaining, but please keep my story in mind when someone says they have anxiety. Be patient and open. Either ask if it's something specific, or just let them know that you will pray for them. Don't disregard one's feelings.

Since February 15th...

So, it's been about a month and a half since I started this blog. Has it accomplished anything? Doubtful. Do I continue? For my own sanity I feel I should, but that's just a feeling. Who knows! For now, I'm going to write because I need some form of an outlet. For starters, I HATE myself!!!! EVERYTHING about me is BEYOND disgusting!!!! I feel as though I'm literally taking someone's position, like I'm simply here to fill empty space, maybe God got bored and wanted drama, so He added me. I don't know. I really don't have anything else to write, except that when I'm off duty, I'm taking some Valium. I'm feeling pretty anxious, and really haven't been using the valium for it. Why? Not sure. I'm using it tonight! Sometimes I wish I could just see how far I could really go until I eventually didn't wake up... but, if I didn't wake up, it wouldn't matter because I wouldn't be alive to know how much it really was. I'm pretty sure that last run on sentence made zero sense! Does to me, but that doesn't matter. Alright, I've decided that certain aspects of being on the computer aggravate and cause more anxiety for some reason. Right now, It's beginning. Good night!

Ok, I'm Ready

I need some time to process it, and I have. On Friday I assisted in helping to clean up an elderly patient that had passed away literally 5 minutes before I walked in the room. We cleaned him, put on a fresh gown, and awaited for hospice to come pick him up. I'm pleased to say he was in no pain, due to the morphine he was given 30 minutes prior to passing away. It was actually peaceful for me to be there and help. As we got further into the bed bath, his fingers began to turn purple and his skin more gray. We finished up and folded arms on his chest. He was a ward of the state, meaning he didn't have any family. Most would say that is horrible. I think of it differently though. In previous weeks, while passing by the patient, he was happy and seemed to always enjoy whatever was happening. The reason I think it was better there wasn't family is because now, no one is in pain. Is that rude of me? It was a wonderful experience I wouldn't take back. Is that rude too? The room was silent, he was finally in no more pain, and was ready to go.

On a more positive note, there has been no cutting, nor overdosing. Granted, I did sleep most of yesterday, I still didn't take extra meds. I'm hoping the fatigue is my body still adjusting to the new medication (Geodon). After that story, I'm needing some down time. Praying for continued healing of certain friends. I'm frustrated with a couple people too, so praying God softens my heart.

PS- Again, God has been faithful! I have more work coming up so that I can pay my bills! Thank you Jesus!!!

The Last Six Days

Wow!!! I've had a great week! No cutting!!! My meds are working out great! Looks like I'm on the right cocktail, and rather quickly. I just took 55mg of Valium though :( I know, HORRIBLE! My muscles are super tight and my mind is racing! I needed some chill pills. I'm really not sure what to write about. I can't remember much of this week, except- work, sleep, study, finals, stress, sleep, and more stress.

Last night I went out, on a school night, and only had soda. No alcohol, a plus I guess. I'm SOOOO ready for the upcoming break!!! Usually breaks are when I crash, but I refuse to speak that on myself. My goal is to help a friend as much as possible!

Now I remember what I wanted to share!!! So recently I've been rebellious (overdosing, cutting, not trusting God...), I guess stubborn would be a better word. I have been praying, and not doubting though. Kinda hard to explain. Well, last week a friend was in need of some money, I had a $20 bill, so I felt led and gave it to her. I also felt the calling to pay for something for another friend, which she was so thankful for. I'm thankful I listened to those callings because God turned it right around and blessed me with more work. Ok, that's it for now.

Where Am I???

I haven't posted for a couple days. Still, the roller coaster continues. No overdose or cutting this weekend. Until tonight. Took a lot of Valium. I'm super tired from Geodon. I have been so blessed to have the friends that I do. Thank you for your patience!!! Later for now, I'm too tired.

Du du du!!!!

The time had come. It was well over a year, it was time to visit my psychiatrist. I'm so blessed he started the prozac and valium over the phone and didn't make me come in for that! Anyway, I suggested what I wanted, 40mg prozac, and 20mg geodon, so that's the way it is. Started tonight. Let's hope that the two will work well together. I took valium today, a couple times, but didn't even cross my mind to cut.

Today was quite interesting. I was pleased with some things that happened that were all God. I have no other explanation! I'm really going to pray that God changes my heart. I'm really bitter about those about my age at church. They literally don't include me in ANYTHING!!! Which I can understand. I'm not fun, I'm awkward, and just boring. I'm off to bed!

Yay! Another roller coaster!

Ok, so today started out great! I went to my ear doctor just to have someone to talk to. She helped me and wanted to schedule me to come in just to chat again. I told her I'd let her know when I needed my "ears" checked again. Then I met up with a friend, who is amazing. We had a good conversation, as usual. I then drove around town with no purpose, and began hating myself for that. So, I took the prescribed 20mg of valium and came home and took about a two hour nap. I was good then. Then I watched one of my favorite boy's game. He's such a cutie! I made myself go to bible study. I was honest and told the leader, "I hate church!" I went into the bathroom, cut myself, took 20mg of valium, and sat through study and had a GREAT time, none of the women knowing that I did anything in the bathroom but go potty. I was able to bless one of the women there tonight, so humbling. Just got home, still kinda revved up, so took 20 more mg of valium. So, another roller coaster ride today. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, and will probably go on the mood stabilizer and increase to 40mg of prozac. It's been confirmed that it's ok to be on medications. I think this blog is becoming boring, or like a woe is me type of thing, which is TOTALLY what I DON'T want it to be! If you have any questions, suggestions, and comments, PLEASE send them!

Let's Put Our Arms Up And Scream!!!

You know when you start going on roller coasters and you think you're brave? You and your friend say to each other, "let's put our arms up and scream!!!" I thought of that as I was driving thinking about my emotions. I'm a roller coaster!!! I was great this morning, called and prayed for a friend hurting, and then felt broken because I felt her pain. Then I was ok. Then I got a score back and was discouraged. I took 20mg valium and cut myself a couple times. I called a friend, and was ok. Then, I went to the church to drop something off and talked to the pastor. I didn't expect anything from him. To my surprise, he asked, "so, what's this crap you say you're going through?"

Well, then the emotions came, and strong. I was honest. I told him that I HATE going to church, quitting ministry, and don't feel connected, despite my efforts when I wanted to have a relationship. He openly listened, and apologized. He asked what it was that made me "hate" the church to much. I said I've tried to have friendships, and just can't. Also, the big thing, is that I would rather do my life without God. He was genuinely burdened, I think. I told him I'm quitting ministry because I have nothing to offer. I told him those that serve don't overdose and cut themselves. He said that God doesn't want us to come to Him perfect, but as we are. I'm thinking about that more. He prayed with me, and I left. I took 10mg more of valium and took a two hour nap. I woke up feeling great! Now, I took my meds, plus 4 or 5mg of klonopin, which isn't bad. I'm in pain and would like to take a vicodin, but it's not worth the migraine in the morning.

While I'm being quite the open book, another thing I have struggled with in the past, but haven't recently, is making myself throw up after eating. I don't remember the last time I did that. As far as not eating, breakfast was a muffin, decent lunch, and coffee for dinner, now chocolate milk for desert. Had too much for lunch/snack. I'll try harder tomorrow. Time for bed!

No Need

I haven't had any urges to cut, which is great! I suddenly want to take some anti-anxiety medicine, but I'm trying not to, I just can't justify it. Right now I'm becoming concerned with my lack of appetite. I'm not sure if it's from the prozac, or it's in my mind.

In the past I was probably considered anorexic, and I may be headed that way again. I am hungry right now, but don't really feel like eating. I go through times of wanting to eat, and other times, not even want to look at food. My stomach is grumbling...oh well.

Wow! How emotions can be deceiving, and change so quickly! Not much to say now! Ok, I took the normal dose of valium. Waiting patiently for it to work...

Just thought about the fact that I need to finish business with the ministry pastor and quit!

Ok, the meds are kicking in. I feel much better I'm going to go to bed as I promised a friend. The agreement was to finish this post and go to bed, without cutting or taking more medicine, and I will keep my word. James 5:12 is always a conviction- "Let your yes be yes, and your no, no."

Any words of wisdom are gladly welcomed! Thank you for those that are still following me. I'm sorry for the constant pitty parties!

What A Weekend!

I am beyond done with my busy schedule! I think that losing the job on Wednesdays is God's way of telling me to slow down! I started getting sick shortly after that. Yesterday was spent medicated and in bed sleeping off and on. Today I napped more. I feel GREATLY guilty for sleeping so much, especially when I have such important exams coming up. I did some studying, then took my meds and am now waiting to pass out (just fall asleep, don't freak out). I took 1mg of klonopin more than prescribed, but other than that, that's been it. I wish I had enough brain power to write another poem, or write something deep, but I feel quite empty and lack emotions right now.

From 2008

I wrote these a few years back when I was struggling. They aren't great, because my writing skills aren't even close to "good".

Break Me
God, break me.
I want to be like you.
I release me to Thee.
God, take me.
Take me, break me, build me.
To You I pray.
Take my sin to bay.

Yours
I surrender all,
I can't do it alone.
Only You,
only You can heal.
Abba, you can have me,
all of me.
My heart belongs to only You.
Make me whole,
I am Yours.


Sinking
The room is flooded;
I'm on the bottom,
Few notice though.
God will be my life vest,
I'm blessed for that.
Rising above,
now I float.

To "friend"
You've done it,
you've led me astray.
It's my fault, I accept that.
I believed we could bond,
that's not what you want.
You led me to believe,
believe that you cared.
I believe you care,
care a litte, because you have to.
God calls you to,
that's the only reason why.

Perhaps some "poetry" will help some...

Not into it

I'm not in the mood to blog. I'm hungry, tired, thirsty, tired, throat hurts, and did I mention tired? Today was a good day. I have forgiven myself for the mistake I made yesterday, and I believe the other person has forgiven me. I still haven't talked to a pastor. Neither one has seemed to want to meet with me, despite my requests. Unlike my usual self, I'm totally okay with that. I would actually continue talking to my friend I've reconnected with, and another friend from church who I tell EVERYTHING to- she's the most accepting and patient person EVER! Thank you to both of you, you know who you are. I'm at 30mg prozac, and planning on staying there for now. I have not take a benzodiazepene since last night, and that was only the normal dose, just to put me to sleep. Perhaps I'm on the right path...maybe..sorta kinda...no, but I'll get there. Going to take one klonopin to sleep. Good night!

L is for Loser!

This morning was great!!! I was with some of my favorite people for a few hours. Then I met up with a long lost friend for about an hour. I was BEYOND tired, without medication. Then around 4 this afternoon, it all fell apart.

Today I messed up! I was responsible to do something today, and honestly forgot about it. I left the situation in tears. I tried calling a friend and she didn't answer. I then went to another friend's house and told her what had happened. It was an honest mistake. However, I needed to be punished. I went and made a stop on my way to the next destination since I had time to kill. I cut my self in three different spots, leaving quite superficial cuts that didn't bleed. Not bleeding much means that I need to cut deeper, in my mind.

I've come to the conclusion that I am going to quite the ministry I'm in and still considering a church change too. At least today that is what I think is best. Maybe just a break from the ministry... Not sure. Gotta seek God about that some more before I make any decisions. I'm such freaking hypocrite!!! I hate when people flake or act fake, but I'm finding myself being fake, around almost anybody. I'm hurting myself, when I tell others not too. What a loser!!!

Right now...

Right now, as I sit here, I'm thinking about what a horrible mass and waste of space I am to society. I failed my exam today, of which I needed to do really well on. I just cut myself again, so I'm starting to feel a little better. Although, again, I couldn't bleed much. Is that abnormal that I enjoy the pain I induced? To most, probably. However, I can't wait to do it again.

As for the medication, I made the increase to 30mg of Prozac. I'm getting a headache and want to climb in bed with the covers over my head and take some meds to put me to sleep, just for a quick nap. I HATE this "person" I have become!!! I seem to enjoy being rebellious. What the hell is wrong with me?! I guess for now I'll study and then work. I just can't wait for it to be 10 tonight! Maybe I can get off early... Maybe some prayer will help. I will try it. I'll do my best to post later tonight.

Another fact that's been hurting me for the last couple weeks, is that my mom bought something low fat and told me, "here, I bought this for your diet." I have never said anything about my weight or going on any kind of diet. I know she doesn't approve of me being overweight, but I never talked about wanting to start a diet.

Does it end???

Does this emotional pain ever end??? It was confirmed today that I need to try an increase of my Prozac. I've been taking more benzodiazapines than prescribed for one dose. Nothing dangerous. Since yesterday, all I could think about was cutting! So, today on my break I went and bought a blade, and cut myself a few times. I know most people don't understand, but I didn't bleed much. For me, it was somewhat useless. I need to do it again. I get a high from cutting. Self-mutilation doesn't make sense to a lot of people. That and even thinking about suicide always seemed so selfish and crazy to me. Now that I've been "depressed" those ways of thinking aren't so crazy. I can assure you, suicide is the last thing I'd do! If I felt so down that I couldn't function, I would seek the adequate help. For now, I'm going to make it...just in a different way than other.

Took 5mg of klonopin right now, but I need to wait for it to kick in. I would love to take another medication, but it not so much fun side effects. Maybe tomorrow, when I don't have to be up early the next day. Ok, clearly I'm not giving hope or encouraging anyone, so I'll go. Thank you for you time :)

Where Oh Where Has My Sanity Gone???

Working has been my life this week. I haven't been so tempted to cut myself for a at least a week. I know, no major feat, but it's a step, I think. All day I was waiting to go to the store to buy a razor to cut. Clearly, that didn't work. I just took twice the prescribed dose of my anxiety medicine. I know I'm building tolerance to both of the anxiety meds, so I'm alternating them. I know what I'm doing. If I'm not feeling better in a bit, I'll fix that.

I'm so discouraged as far as church, and my faith. I went this morning and felt more alone and distraught than usual. Church is hard. Almost always I come out of my funk once worship starts, but not today. I just don't know what to do!!!

If I have another couple days like today, I think I'm going to have to increase the Prozac, which does NOT make me happy!

Night,
Distraught

Let's be honest...

Honestly, I fucking HATE myself right now!!!! I'm wanting to cut SO badly!!! I can't tho, but I can medicate. I already took the max, but I just might take more... I now what's like to walk through life with no one who truly understands, or even cares for that matter. One church friend cares, and loves me, despite my flaws. The rest of my, what I thought were friends, could care less about me! Time to leave that place they call church, where all are accepted. Well, I'm not. I can't be real. I'm not liked. I'm good with kids, that's about all I have to offer, which is pretty useless. When I have kids with me, I'm usually fine.

Thank you Jesus very drugs! Prescription, dr prescribed drugs of course!!! Already feel better. Still hate myself and feel isolated without trying. I'm torn because I can't hang out with friends that can speak life into me because I work, but I have to work to have money to pay bills, that's life I guess. Take it or leave it!.

HELP!!!

Ok, so I know I need to be patient, but I'm NOT doing well!!!! I'm not getting paid enough for this job. I love helping my friends and doing favors, but this time, I feel I'm being taken advantage of! I'm having MAJOR work burnout! Didn't think that would happen until I had a real career, but I'm on day number six of working. I'll be posting more tonight, I hope. For now, I just need a break, which I know will not happen until late tonight when the kids go to bed.

Yet Again...

Just took my valium, 40mg. Giving it 20 minutes, and possibly taking more. No interest in cutting. Wanting to take my narc, but not sure it's worth the migraine in the morning...

Feeling like crap!!! I feel that I'm being walked all over and I don't know where to draw the line. I want so badly to leave church completely. I am torn between living for God, or doing it along... both of which I have tried. I'm so torn! I do continue to pray for others and over my medication as I take it. I need therapy!! I need input! I need to find hope!!!

Discouraged,
WheresGod

Holy Moly! Houstan, We have A Problem!

Ok, not sure how I feel about flaking on Bible study last week, this week, and next week. I haven't been keeping up on the study so I feel I have nothing to offer if I go. My anxiety was all too overwhelming this evening so I didn't get completely to the church. Instead I made myself busy for about an hour. Then came home and took 30mg of Valium. Wanted to stop and buy a razor blade, but didn't. Since 2:30 I have taken 50mg of valium. I feel great right now. Nothing hurts. I hate myself though. Feeling pretty worthless. Driving home I had a line from a song that sings about "suicidal", that's the only word I can remember. Not feeling that way, but it was a fleeting thought.

I met with a friend today that I haven't seen in about 2 years. It was great! Still, right now I feel isolated. Kinda don't care. Maybe one more valium and bed will be good...No! Can't! I have to wake up and function tomorrow. My psychiatrist did tell me to increase the valium to 20mg twice a day, so hope that helps. He also said to increase Prozac to 30mg, which I'm going to hold off on. Can't focus anymore, I'm a bit tired. Good night.

Really? Really?

Errrrr!!!!!!! I typed quite a long post and it didn't save, instead it shut down. I wanted to be sure to make it a point to post today because I had such a great day. I want this to remind me when I'm not doing well, that good days are possible.

I went to bed bitter last night, but woke up with a refreshed and peaceful mindset. The pastor I have been waiting on finally sent me a text that he could meet later this week. I told him I wasn't going to go to the next youth event and asked him what his decision was, before I told him. He said he didn't know. By that comment, I got the feeling that he thinks I want to meet with him to talk about something, rather than about my future with the ministry. I was frustrated, but that quickly dissipated and I was at peace and didn't even think about it until tonight, when I was reflecting on my day.

I had a great day, and evening was fun. After work I went to a friend's house for a couple hours. This friend is such a blessing and encouragement!!! I LOVE spending time with her, and am so thankful for our friendship.

As far as medication, I have not increased my Prozac like I was told to and thought I was going to have to. I continue to pray before I take every dose.

Thank you for reading.

WheresGod

Geez!

Oh my goodness!!! Right now, I HATE emotions!!! I'm starting to not feel so great emotionally. I'm growing more and more frustrated with the pastor of the ministry I'm on hiatus with. I have NO idea where to go from here. Really praying for guidance. Now, do I increase the Prozac? I just don't know!

Not sure what to do. I have a friend going through a rough marriage, I feel so helpless. At the same time, I really want to talk to her about what's going on with me because she said she is concerned. I really want to share this blog with her, like she would get it. I just can't bring myself to do that because it seems selfish.

Not only am I praying for change as far as church, but also for my home situation. Being home is usually one of the most depressing things I can do. My dad is drinking more and already has a bad liver. I think my mom needs help, I worry about her. I think she is anorexic, and won't do anything about her migraines. It hurts to see both of them hurting. I pray they would find peace in Christ alone, not alcohol or others' approval.

Ok! That's enough whining for now.

Praying for change!

It's been awhile...

Hi! Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. I actually had a full, and enjoyable weekend! Can't remember the last time cutting crossed my mind! As far as taking more anxiety pills than prescribed, don't remember the last time I actually did it. I'm doing great! My faith is growing, which means it's not JUST the Prozac making me "feel" better, I'm actually DOING better! I'm supposed to increase my Prozac again tomorrow, but I'm not going to. I've made this decision with a lot of thinking and praying. I really don't think I need an increase. I'm thinking a lot of my problem was the anxiety. I'm so blessed to have AMAZING friends! We went out this weekend, and it was great!

On another note, I still haven't heard from either pastor, both of whom I confessed to last Monday. The one in charge of the ministry I'm involved in, has said nothing to me since that day. I have tried getting in touch with him, with no success. I'm going to continue to pray, but I think I'm going to start going to a new church. I hate to leave the ministry and the church body I'm at, but I'm just not getting...connected. I think it's time I get involved with others my age. Goodness! I have a lot to pray for! Anyway, thank you to the few that are following me. Please feel free to send me your prayer requests, or share something. I'd love to hear from you.

In Him,
WheresGod

I Did It...

Today I took the increase of Prozac...prayed before I did it, praying now. Sometimes I wish God would write on my forehead! Anyway, thanking Jesus for an AMAZING day! Could have turned SUPER ugly, but I didn't let it. I was jealous of a friend, haven't heard from the pastor that holds part of my near future in his hands, and struggling with finances, yet I'm consumed with peace. Bummed to have to run, but it's been a long week. I'm struggling because I am trying SO hard to remain anonymous, but at the same time I want to share the trials AND small victories with those I know and care about. Night for now! Thanks for following :)

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

Today marks the day that I am to increase my Prozac to 20mg. I opted not to this morning. I haven't decided what I'm going to do tomorrow. However, as I swallowed the pill this morning, I prayed that God use them, and if I don't need them, to make it known to me. That is a small step to my goal of ultimate trust in God. Last night I realized that today I would be working and running errands, and how many hours I really work. It doesn't feel like a lot, but when I try to plan things, there isn't any time. Well, I'm taking the step to say "no" to something and am going to start playing soccer again! I have a hard time accepting that I NEED to make time for myself, but it's worth a try. So, in a nutshell, I feel like Dory from "Finding Nemo"- "just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
In Him,
WheresGod

Amazing Grace is what saves

God, thank you for your renewing mercies, EVERYDAY!!!

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
(Lamentations 3:21-26)

I am in such awe of the beauty you have CHOSEN to give me, my own worthless life, that you gave a divine purpose to. Thank you!!!

Now I ponder...do I continue to take the medication? Or trust God and go off? Hard to say because I haven't been on it long enough for it to show huge effects, and God CAN change my heart quickly. I'm staying on it. It's not hurting me, and before taking them each morning, I will ask that God use them to help heal my mind, and make it known to me when I don't need them.

I know that I only have two followers, but I pray that one day I'm able to share it with many more. Please feel free to pass it on. Thank you!

Blessings,
A Changed Heart

Sometimes the right things doesn't always seem right...

Well, today I told two pastors of the church that I had been cutting. The one has say as to whether or not I continue to serve in the specific ministry. I'm pretty sure telling him was the right thing, but I may not be able to work with students. I pray that he has a heart of grace and gives me a second chance, despite the fact that I don't deserve it.

Something about my faith is coming back...finally!!! I pray for strength and guidance!

Give in and give up?

Right now I'm feeling like CRAP!!! I'm feeling so lonely! I have NO ONE at church to talk to about my struggles, and I think that's just wrong! I've tried reaching out, no one is open to helping. There is one exception, she does try to help me. She brings me back to reality, and helps me see the big picture, rather than the small emotional one I see, so thank you (you know who you are).

I'm wanting SO badly to go to the drug store to buy some blades, but for now I'm going to rest until I have to babysit. I've gotta run!

Hating me

Yes, I hate myself. Often I'm asked, "but why?" Well, look at me!!! I'm fifty pounds overweight, feel like crap, and am pretty useless right now. I should be helping a friend right now, but instead, I'm sitting on the computer, feeling crappy about what I've let myself become.

On the bright side, once the drugs wore off this evening, I spent it with some friends for dinner and some board games.

Wow! How quickly God turns the tables! I'm trying to help my friend who is hopeless and depressed, and somehow I have the words to help, I pray.

Well, another day :)

Today, was quite successful. Felt like a HUGE failure after clinicals, but that's ok! Waiting and praying that the Prozac kicks in, and QUICKLY!!!! No cutting, not even a temptation- thank you Jesus!!! Overdosing, not today :) I took 6 mg of klonopin total today. One dose was closer than supposed, but, not too many. Now, I have a doctor's appointment to HOPEFULLY get a diagnosis for this physical stomach pain! It's sounding more like endometriosis. Fun. I would be COMPLETELY OK with that. I just want an answer to something!!! Headed to bed! Thank you for the few followers I have :) God Bless!!!

Day One

Today was the first day in over a year back on Prozac. It's going to be a long road, but I'm ready. I have not cut either. I went to three stores for things, found blades, even put them in my hands, then put them down. HUGE for me. That's all there is for today. The benzos are FABULOUS!!!! Good night!

The Title

Some may wonder, "where did the title Does Anyone See Her? come from. Well, it's from a song that Casting Crowns started playing years ago. The words go on and on in my mind. I often wonder if anyone in church sees that I'm going down hill, and fast.

A victory, I guess, I threw away the blade I have been cutting myself with. I still overmedicated though. I'm not happy about it, but I'm going back onto Prozac. It changed my life years ago, I'm praying it does again. My psychiatrist wanted to put me on a mood stabilizer also, but I denied, much to his dismay. If i start to have manic episodes, I will consider it, but for now, the least medication possible is best in my opinion. I am relieved and discouraged I have to turn back to medications, but the suicidal ideations were getting too strong, to the point that I wasn't telling people anything close to what I was really feeling.

Today was a better day. I'm hoping to get myself back into shape and spend time in God's Word, which is where all the healing lies. I'm praying for that accountability, and have been for over three years. Guess I should sign off for now. I'm trying not to bore anyone, but I only have one follower, so I guess I can't bore too many :)

God bless!

Where to begin...

I have been a Christian for over ten years now. When I hit my twenties, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, and Bipolar. For over five years I sought medication treatments that seemed to somewhat help. While treating some symptoms with medication, I also sought therapeutic treatment. It was all Hell! I learned a lot from therapy, and was very stable. About a year ago, I went off medications, and stopped therapy. Now, I'm back to raging emotions. I am all over the place. I can be doing SUPER well emotionally, then get a text, call, or email and go right to self-injury thoughts. The calls and texts are bad, but somehow send me over the edge, almost. Since Christmas eve, I have been cutting myself several times, and overdosed almost every night the past several weeks.

Contrary to what most might think, I DON'T want to die!!! In fact, I can't wait for the future. At the same time, the future scares me. I compare myself to others my age, who are married, graduated, working, and living on their own. Not me. Here I am, living at home, still in school.

I need to say to fellow Christians, I CAN'T "snap out of it"!!!! It doesn't work that way. No, I'm not depressed, just lonely and discouraged! I'm praying someone relate through this blog. For now, I'm going to bed and praying for strength, and for others that may hurt too.