I Get It!!! I'm the fat girl!!

So mom says to me tonight, "going to the store, want new jeans?" me: "no thank you" mom: " you really need bigger jeans" Well, thank you for that, because I'm not already hard on myself about it. Now, the diet is going to be salads and protein shakes, and gotta workout more. I'd like a workout buddy, but looks like I'm alone in something else once again.

Ok, only 60 mg of Valium tonight. I've GOTTA stop! I'm not addicted, I just do it to be rebellious! God will get me back I'm sure. He's a bitter God. I don't even know what the hell to do next. Tomorrow I'm supposed to hang out with a friend and her family, and quite frankly, I'm getting anxious about it.

Today I did it! I stuck to a healthy diet! Gotta continue. If salad, chicken, or my protein shakes aren't available, I'm not eating. If I eat anything else, may have to resort to inducing vomiting, which I'm not sure I can do anymore since it's been so long. That's enough for tonight. I'm drinking my shake and taking my meds, then going to bed!!!

Believe It Or Not

I'm beyond hurt and pissed with my mom!!!! I haven't been home since yesterday morning. I walked in tonight and she asked if I was ok, due to something that happened last night. I said, "yeah, it was just my anxiety." Her response, "What? Why? You don't have school or anything!" I replied, "sometimes there isn't a reason, it's possible to just feel anxious." Mom: "Oh yeah. I forgot, you're (my name), you can have just anything wrong with you for no reason!" and then she turned away from me. One minute later her dog wanted out and she then said, "let the dog." I kindly did, heard the dog bark from my room while she was still outside so I went into the livig room and let her dog back in. A simple "thank you"? Nope. Nothing!

In sharing this story, yes, I do hope to release some anger, but please be patient when talking to someone with or about anxiety. There are often triggers that the person (patient) isn't aware of that causes the anxiety. Sometimes, sitting in front of a computer for over an hour for, leads to anxiety, no specific reason, just happens. I apologize for the complaining, but please keep my story in mind when someone says they have anxiety. Be patient and open. Either ask if it's something specific, or just let them know that you will pray for them. Don't disregard one's feelings.

Since February 15th...

So, it's been about a month and a half since I started this blog. Has it accomplished anything? Doubtful. Do I continue? For my own sanity I feel I should, but that's just a feeling. Who knows! For now, I'm going to write because I need some form of an outlet. For starters, I HATE myself!!!! EVERYTHING about me is BEYOND disgusting!!!! I feel as though I'm literally taking someone's position, like I'm simply here to fill empty space, maybe God got bored and wanted drama, so He added me. I don't know. I really don't have anything else to write, except that when I'm off duty, I'm taking some Valium. I'm feeling pretty anxious, and really haven't been using the valium for it. Why? Not sure. I'm using it tonight! Sometimes I wish I could just see how far I could really go until I eventually didn't wake up... but, if I didn't wake up, it wouldn't matter because I wouldn't be alive to know how much it really was. I'm pretty sure that last run on sentence made zero sense! Does to me, but that doesn't matter. Alright, I've decided that certain aspects of being on the computer aggravate and cause more anxiety for some reason. Right now, It's beginning. Good night!

Ok, I'm Ready

I need some time to process it, and I have. On Friday I assisted in helping to clean up an elderly patient that had passed away literally 5 minutes before I walked in the room. We cleaned him, put on a fresh gown, and awaited for hospice to come pick him up. I'm pleased to say he was in no pain, due to the morphine he was given 30 minutes prior to passing away. It was actually peaceful for me to be there and help. As we got further into the bed bath, his fingers began to turn purple and his skin more gray. We finished up and folded arms on his chest. He was a ward of the state, meaning he didn't have any family. Most would say that is horrible. I think of it differently though. In previous weeks, while passing by the patient, he was happy and seemed to always enjoy whatever was happening. The reason I think it was better there wasn't family is because now, no one is in pain. Is that rude of me? It was a wonderful experience I wouldn't take back. Is that rude too? The room was silent, he was finally in no more pain, and was ready to go.

On a more positive note, there has been no cutting, nor overdosing. Granted, I did sleep most of yesterday, I still didn't take extra meds. I'm hoping the fatigue is my body still adjusting to the new medication (Geodon). After that story, I'm needing some down time. Praying for continued healing of certain friends. I'm frustrated with a couple people too, so praying God softens my heart.

PS- Again, God has been faithful! I have more work coming up so that I can pay my bills! Thank you Jesus!!!

The Last Six Days

Wow!!! I've had a great week! No cutting!!! My meds are working out great! Looks like I'm on the right cocktail, and rather quickly. I just took 55mg of Valium though :( I know, HORRIBLE! My muscles are super tight and my mind is racing! I needed some chill pills. I'm really not sure what to write about. I can't remember much of this week, except- work, sleep, study, finals, stress, sleep, and more stress.

Last night I went out, on a school night, and only had soda. No alcohol, a plus I guess. I'm SOOOO ready for the upcoming break!!! Usually breaks are when I crash, but I refuse to speak that on myself. My goal is to help a friend as much as possible!

Now I remember what I wanted to share!!! So recently I've been rebellious (overdosing, cutting, not trusting God...), I guess stubborn would be a better word. I have been praying, and not doubting though. Kinda hard to explain. Well, last week a friend was in need of some money, I had a $20 bill, so I felt led and gave it to her. I also felt the calling to pay for something for another friend, which she was so thankful for. I'm thankful I listened to those callings because God turned it right around and blessed me with more work. Ok, that's it for now.

Where Am I???

I haven't posted for a couple days. Still, the roller coaster continues. No overdose or cutting this weekend. Until tonight. Took a lot of Valium. I'm super tired from Geodon. I have been so blessed to have the friends that I do. Thank you for your patience!!! Later for now, I'm too tired.

Du du du!!!!

The time had come. It was well over a year, it was time to visit my psychiatrist. I'm so blessed he started the prozac and valium over the phone and didn't make me come in for that! Anyway, I suggested what I wanted, 40mg prozac, and 20mg geodon, so that's the way it is. Started tonight. Let's hope that the two will work well together. I took valium today, a couple times, but didn't even cross my mind to cut.

Today was quite interesting. I was pleased with some things that happened that were all God. I have no other explanation! I'm really going to pray that God changes my heart. I'm really bitter about those about my age at church. They literally don't include me in ANYTHING!!! Which I can understand. I'm not fun, I'm awkward, and just boring. I'm off to bed!

Yay! Another roller coaster!

Ok, so today started out great! I went to my ear doctor just to have someone to talk to. She helped me and wanted to schedule me to come in just to chat again. I told her I'd let her know when I needed my "ears" checked again. Then I met up with a friend, who is amazing. We had a good conversation, as usual. I then drove around town with no purpose, and began hating myself for that. So, I took the prescribed 20mg of valium and came home and took about a two hour nap. I was good then. Then I watched one of my favorite boy's game. He's such a cutie! I made myself go to bible study. I was honest and told the leader, "I hate church!" I went into the bathroom, cut myself, took 20mg of valium, and sat through study and had a GREAT time, none of the women knowing that I did anything in the bathroom but go potty. I was able to bless one of the women there tonight, so humbling. Just got home, still kinda revved up, so took 20 more mg of valium. So, another roller coaster ride today. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, and will probably go on the mood stabilizer and increase to 40mg of prozac. It's been confirmed that it's ok to be on medications. I think this blog is becoming boring, or like a woe is me type of thing, which is TOTALLY what I DON'T want it to be! If you have any questions, suggestions, and comments, PLEASE send them!

Let's Put Our Arms Up And Scream!!!

You know when you start going on roller coasters and you think you're brave? You and your friend say to each other, "let's put our arms up and scream!!!" I thought of that as I was driving thinking about my emotions. I'm a roller coaster!!! I was great this morning, called and prayed for a friend hurting, and then felt broken because I felt her pain. Then I was ok. Then I got a score back and was discouraged. I took 20mg valium and cut myself a couple times. I called a friend, and was ok. Then, I went to the church to drop something off and talked to the pastor. I didn't expect anything from him. To my surprise, he asked, "so, what's this crap you say you're going through?"

Well, then the emotions came, and strong. I was honest. I told him that I HATE going to church, quitting ministry, and don't feel connected, despite my efforts when I wanted to have a relationship. He openly listened, and apologized. He asked what it was that made me "hate" the church to much. I said I've tried to have friendships, and just can't. Also, the big thing, is that I would rather do my life without God. He was genuinely burdened, I think. I told him I'm quitting ministry because I have nothing to offer. I told him those that serve don't overdose and cut themselves. He said that God doesn't want us to come to Him perfect, but as we are. I'm thinking about that more. He prayed with me, and I left. I took 10mg more of valium and took a two hour nap. I woke up feeling great! Now, I took my meds, plus 4 or 5mg of klonopin, which isn't bad. I'm in pain and would like to take a vicodin, but it's not worth the migraine in the morning.

While I'm being quite the open book, another thing I have struggled with in the past, but haven't recently, is making myself throw up after eating. I don't remember the last time I did that. As far as not eating, breakfast was a muffin, decent lunch, and coffee for dinner, now chocolate milk for desert. Had too much for lunch/snack. I'll try harder tomorrow. Time for bed!

No Need

I haven't had any urges to cut, which is great! I suddenly want to take some anti-anxiety medicine, but I'm trying not to, I just can't justify it. Right now I'm becoming concerned with my lack of appetite. I'm not sure if it's from the prozac, or it's in my mind.

In the past I was probably considered anorexic, and I may be headed that way again. I am hungry right now, but don't really feel like eating. I go through times of wanting to eat, and other times, not even want to look at food. My stomach is grumbling...oh well.

Wow! How emotions can be deceiving, and change so quickly! Not much to say now! Ok, I took the normal dose of valium. Waiting patiently for it to work...

Just thought about the fact that I need to finish business with the ministry pastor and quit!

Ok, the meds are kicking in. I feel much better I'm going to go to bed as I promised a friend. The agreement was to finish this post and go to bed, without cutting or taking more medicine, and I will keep my word. James 5:12 is always a conviction- "Let your yes be yes, and your no, no."

Any words of wisdom are gladly welcomed! Thank you for those that are still following me. I'm sorry for the constant pitty parties!

What A Weekend!

I am beyond done with my busy schedule! I think that losing the job on Wednesdays is God's way of telling me to slow down! I started getting sick shortly after that. Yesterday was spent medicated and in bed sleeping off and on. Today I napped more. I feel GREATLY guilty for sleeping so much, especially when I have such important exams coming up. I did some studying, then took my meds and am now waiting to pass out (just fall asleep, don't freak out). I took 1mg of klonopin more than prescribed, but other than that, that's been it. I wish I had enough brain power to write another poem, or write something deep, but I feel quite empty and lack emotions right now.

From 2008

I wrote these a few years back when I was struggling. They aren't great, because my writing skills aren't even close to "good".

Break Me
God, break me.
I want to be like you.
I release me to Thee.
God, take me.
Take me, break me, build me.
To You I pray.
Take my sin to bay.

Yours
I surrender all,
I can't do it alone.
Only You,
only You can heal.
Abba, you can have me,
all of me.
My heart belongs to only You.
Make me whole,
I am Yours.


Sinking
The room is flooded;
I'm on the bottom,
Few notice though.
God will be my life vest,
I'm blessed for that.
Rising above,
now I float.

To "friend"
You've done it,
you've led me astray.
It's my fault, I accept that.
I believed we could bond,
that's not what you want.
You led me to believe,
believe that you cared.
I believe you care,
care a litte, because you have to.
God calls you to,
that's the only reason why.

Perhaps some "poetry" will help some...

Not into it

I'm not in the mood to blog. I'm hungry, tired, thirsty, tired, throat hurts, and did I mention tired? Today was a good day. I have forgiven myself for the mistake I made yesterday, and I believe the other person has forgiven me. I still haven't talked to a pastor. Neither one has seemed to want to meet with me, despite my requests. Unlike my usual self, I'm totally okay with that. I would actually continue talking to my friend I've reconnected with, and another friend from church who I tell EVERYTHING to- she's the most accepting and patient person EVER! Thank you to both of you, you know who you are. I'm at 30mg prozac, and planning on staying there for now. I have not take a benzodiazepene since last night, and that was only the normal dose, just to put me to sleep. Perhaps I'm on the right path...maybe..sorta kinda...no, but I'll get there. Going to take one klonopin to sleep. Good night!

L is for Loser!

This morning was great!!! I was with some of my favorite people for a few hours. Then I met up with a long lost friend for about an hour. I was BEYOND tired, without medication. Then around 4 this afternoon, it all fell apart.

Today I messed up! I was responsible to do something today, and honestly forgot about it. I left the situation in tears. I tried calling a friend and she didn't answer. I then went to another friend's house and told her what had happened. It was an honest mistake. However, I needed to be punished. I went and made a stop on my way to the next destination since I had time to kill. I cut my self in three different spots, leaving quite superficial cuts that didn't bleed. Not bleeding much means that I need to cut deeper, in my mind.

I've come to the conclusion that I am going to quite the ministry I'm in and still considering a church change too. At least today that is what I think is best. Maybe just a break from the ministry... Not sure. Gotta seek God about that some more before I make any decisions. I'm such freaking hypocrite!!! I hate when people flake or act fake, but I'm finding myself being fake, around almost anybody. I'm hurting myself, when I tell others not too. What a loser!!!

Right now...

Right now, as I sit here, I'm thinking about what a horrible mass and waste of space I am to society. I failed my exam today, of which I needed to do really well on. I just cut myself again, so I'm starting to feel a little better. Although, again, I couldn't bleed much. Is that abnormal that I enjoy the pain I induced? To most, probably. However, I can't wait to do it again.

As for the medication, I made the increase to 30mg of Prozac. I'm getting a headache and want to climb in bed with the covers over my head and take some meds to put me to sleep, just for a quick nap. I HATE this "person" I have become!!! I seem to enjoy being rebellious. What the hell is wrong with me?! I guess for now I'll study and then work. I just can't wait for it to be 10 tonight! Maybe I can get off early... Maybe some prayer will help. I will try it. I'll do my best to post later tonight.

Another fact that's been hurting me for the last couple weeks, is that my mom bought something low fat and told me, "here, I bought this for your diet." I have never said anything about my weight or going on any kind of diet. I know she doesn't approve of me being overweight, but I never talked about wanting to start a diet.

Does it end???

Does this emotional pain ever end??? It was confirmed today that I need to try an increase of my Prozac. I've been taking more benzodiazapines than prescribed for one dose. Nothing dangerous. Since yesterday, all I could think about was cutting! So, today on my break I went and bought a blade, and cut myself a few times. I know most people don't understand, but I didn't bleed much. For me, it was somewhat useless. I need to do it again. I get a high from cutting. Self-mutilation doesn't make sense to a lot of people. That and even thinking about suicide always seemed so selfish and crazy to me. Now that I've been "depressed" those ways of thinking aren't so crazy. I can assure you, suicide is the last thing I'd do! If I felt so down that I couldn't function, I would seek the adequate help. For now, I'm going to make it...just in a different way than other.

Took 5mg of klonopin right now, but I need to wait for it to kick in. I would love to take another medication, but it not so much fun side effects. Maybe tomorrow, when I don't have to be up early the next day. Ok, clearly I'm not giving hope or encouraging anyone, so I'll go. Thank you for you time :)

Where Oh Where Has My Sanity Gone???

Working has been my life this week. I haven't been so tempted to cut myself for a at least a week. I know, no major feat, but it's a step, I think. All day I was waiting to go to the store to buy a razor to cut. Clearly, that didn't work. I just took twice the prescribed dose of my anxiety medicine. I know I'm building tolerance to both of the anxiety meds, so I'm alternating them. I know what I'm doing. If I'm not feeling better in a bit, I'll fix that.

I'm so discouraged as far as church, and my faith. I went this morning and felt more alone and distraught than usual. Church is hard. Almost always I come out of my funk once worship starts, but not today. I just don't know what to do!!!

If I have another couple days like today, I think I'm going to have to increase the Prozac, which does NOT make me happy!

Night,
Distraught

Let's be honest...

Honestly, I fucking HATE myself right now!!!! I'm wanting to cut SO badly!!! I can't tho, but I can medicate. I already took the max, but I just might take more... I now what's like to walk through life with no one who truly understands, or even cares for that matter. One church friend cares, and loves me, despite my flaws. The rest of my, what I thought were friends, could care less about me! Time to leave that place they call church, where all are accepted. Well, I'm not. I can't be real. I'm not liked. I'm good with kids, that's about all I have to offer, which is pretty useless. When I have kids with me, I'm usually fine.

Thank you Jesus very drugs! Prescription, dr prescribed drugs of course!!! Already feel better. Still hate myself and feel isolated without trying. I'm torn because I can't hang out with friends that can speak life into me because I work, but I have to work to have money to pay bills, that's life I guess. Take it or leave it!.

HELP!!!

Ok, so I know I need to be patient, but I'm NOT doing well!!!! I'm not getting paid enough for this job. I love helping my friends and doing favors, but this time, I feel I'm being taken advantage of! I'm having MAJOR work burnout! Didn't think that would happen until I had a real career, but I'm on day number six of working. I'll be posting more tonight, I hope. For now, I just need a break, which I know will not happen until late tonight when the kids go to bed.

Yet Again...

Just took my valium, 40mg. Giving it 20 minutes, and possibly taking more. No interest in cutting. Wanting to take my narc, but not sure it's worth the migraine in the morning...

Feeling like crap!!! I feel that I'm being walked all over and I don't know where to draw the line. I want so badly to leave church completely. I am torn between living for God, or doing it along... both of which I have tried. I'm so torn! I do continue to pray for others and over my medication as I take it. I need therapy!! I need input! I need to find hope!!!

Discouraged,
WheresGod

Holy Moly! Houstan, We have A Problem!

Ok, not sure how I feel about flaking on Bible study last week, this week, and next week. I haven't been keeping up on the study so I feel I have nothing to offer if I go. My anxiety was all too overwhelming this evening so I didn't get completely to the church. Instead I made myself busy for about an hour. Then came home and took 30mg of Valium. Wanted to stop and buy a razor blade, but didn't. Since 2:30 I have taken 50mg of valium. I feel great right now. Nothing hurts. I hate myself though. Feeling pretty worthless. Driving home I had a line from a song that sings about "suicidal", that's the only word I can remember. Not feeling that way, but it was a fleeting thought.

I met with a friend today that I haven't seen in about 2 years. It was great! Still, right now I feel isolated. Kinda don't care. Maybe one more valium and bed will be good...No! Can't! I have to wake up and function tomorrow. My psychiatrist did tell me to increase the valium to 20mg twice a day, so hope that helps. He also said to increase Prozac to 30mg, which I'm going to hold off on. Can't focus anymore, I'm a bit tired. Good night.

Really? Really?

Errrrr!!!!!!! I typed quite a long post and it didn't save, instead it shut down. I wanted to be sure to make it a point to post today because I had such a great day. I want this to remind me when I'm not doing well, that good days are possible.

I went to bed bitter last night, but woke up with a refreshed and peaceful mindset. The pastor I have been waiting on finally sent me a text that he could meet later this week. I told him I wasn't going to go to the next youth event and asked him what his decision was, before I told him. He said he didn't know. By that comment, I got the feeling that he thinks I want to meet with him to talk about something, rather than about my future with the ministry. I was frustrated, but that quickly dissipated and I was at peace and didn't even think about it until tonight, when I was reflecting on my day.

I had a great day, and evening was fun. After work I went to a friend's house for a couple hours. This friend is such a blessing and encouragement!!! I LOVE spending time with her, and am so thankful for our friendship.

As far as medication, I have not increased my Prozac like I was told to and thought I was going to have to. I continue to pray before I take every dose.

Thank you for reading.

WheresGod

Geez!

Oh my goodness!!! Right now, I HATE emotions!!! I'm starting to not feel so great emotionally. I'm growing more and more frustrated with the pastor of the ministry I'm on hiatus with. I have NO idea where to go from here. Really praying for guidance. Now, do I increase the Prozac? I just don't know!

Not sure what to do. I have a friend going through a rough marriage, I feel so helpless. At the same time, I really want to talk to her about what's going on with me because she said she is concerned. I really want to share this blog with her, like she would get it. I just can't bring myself to do that because it seems selfish.

Not only am I praying for change as far as church, but also for my home situation. Being home is usually one of the most depressing things I can do. My dad is drinking more and already has a bad liver. I think my mom needs help, I worry about her. I think she is anorexic, and won't do anything about her migraines. It hurts to see both of them hurting. I pray they would find peace in Christ alone, not alcohol or others' approval.

Ok! That's enough whining for now.

Praying for change!

It's been awhile...

Hi! Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. I actually had a full, and enjoyable weekend! Can't remember the last time cutting crossed my mind! As far as taking more anxiety pills than prescribed, don't remember the last time I actually did it. I'm doing great! My faith is growing, which means it's not JUST the Prozac making me "feel" better, I'm actually DOING better! I'm supposed to increase my Prozac again tomorrow, but I'm not going to. I've made this decision with a lot of thinking and praying. I really don't think I need an increase. I'm thinking a lot of my problem was the anxiety. I'm so blessed to have AMAZING friends! We went out this weekend, and it was great!

On another note, I still haven't heard from either pastor, both of whom I confessed to last Monday. The one in charge of the ministry I'm involved in, has said nothing to me since that day. I have tried getting in touch with him, with no success. I'm going to continue to pray, but I think I'm going to start going to a new church. I hate to leave the ministry and the church body I'm at, but I'm just not getting...connected. I think it's time I get involved with others my age. Goodness! I have a lot to pray for! Anyway, thank you to the few that are following me. Please feel free to send me your prayer requests, or share something. I'd love to hear from you.

In Him,
WheresGod