You know when you start going on roller coasters and you think you're brave? You and your friend say to each other, "let's put our arms up and scream!!!" I thought of that as I was driving thinking about my emotions. I'm a roller coaster!!! I was great this morning, called and prayed for a friend hurting, and then felt broken because I felt her pain. Then I was ok. Then I got a score back and was discouraged. I took 20mg valium and cut myself a couple times. I called a friend, and was ok. Then, I went to the church to drop something off and talked to the pastor. I didn't expect anything from him. To my surprise, he asked, "so, what's this crap you say you're going through?"
Well, then the emotions came, and strong. I was honest. I told him that I HATE going to church, quitting ministry, and don't feel connected, despite my efforts when I wanted to have a relationship. He openly listened, and apologized. He asked what it was that made me "hate" the church to much. I said I've tried to have friendships, and just can't. Also, the big thing, is that I would rather do my life without God. He was genuinely burdened, I think. I told him I'm quitting ministry because I have nothing to offer. I told him those that serve don't overdose and cut themselves. He said that God doesn't want us to come to Him perfect, but as we are. I'm thinking about that more. He prayed with me, and I left. I took 10mg more of valium and took a two hour nap. I woke up feeling great! Now, I took my meds, plus 4 or 5mg of klonopin, which isn't bad. I'm in pain and would like to take a vicodin, but it's not worth the migraine in the morning.
While I'm being quite the open book, another thing I have struggled with in the past, but haven't recently, is making myself throw up after eating. I don't remember the last time I did that. As far as not eating, breakfast was a muffin, decent lunch, and coffee for dinner, now chocolate milk for desert. Had too much for lunch/snack. I'll try harder tomorrow. Time for bed!
No comments:
Post a Comment