I'm thinking tonight may be a good night to look back at earlier posts. I'm SOOOO discouraged right now! I've cried, I've yelled, I've prayed and pleaded, and am now medicating. I'm in major physical pain. I can't tell anyone in person, and be totally open, due to doubt that they will believe me. As far as emotional pain...I've got that too. I'm frustrated that I'm not "better"...
What is "better"??? I guess the problem is that I picture "better" as being perfect. Am I striving for perfection? Perhaps...despite knowing I will fail. But why??? These are questions that perhaps only God can answer, which is frustrating because if loves me, why won't he answer my pleas?
Let me think...what is the root of my despair? I feel SO alone. I don't feel that anyone understand the pain inside, aside from the physical pain. I know, I should seek Christ alone, but am not finding peace. I am not excited about anything. I leave for Disneyland Friday, and would rather stay home. I'm graduating in two weeks, and don't care. I know this feeling and emotion will pass, I just need to be patient, I know. I'm so helpless! I can't help anyone and I don't think anyone can really help me.
My best friend is out playing hockey with her friends, as I sit here and take care of her kids. I don't mind, but at the same time, I'd rather not. I wish she wasn't going to be out until midnight, so that we could chat. I want her to come home just so that we can do something to get me a tiny bit out of this funk! For now, I have a 4, 6, and 13 year old to tend too. Thank goodness for Wipeout to settle them before bedtime.
I guess on a positive note, I can thankfully report that I have ZERO thoughts/urges to hurt myself in any way possible! I'm not even going to take my anxiety meds :)
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